So She Wrote...

Shots!

2012-02-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

Someone once told me that girls are like alcohol.
"bare with me." he said.
"Most girls" he continued "are like vodka cruisers but you are like straight vodka, a lot harder to take, but a lot more intoxicating."
Some people might take offense to this but I certainly didn't.
I don't ever want to be the sugary counter piece to the real deal. I don't want to be sweet on the tongue but never quite strong enough to have any affect.
When I was told this, I knew that I knew who I was, I was so sure of my future, so unfazed by anything trivial. I wasn't afraid of what people thought, or if I was desired. I was who I was and if you didn't like it, switch to bourbon.

Time changes things.

I fell in love, I wanted to be cool, I gave pieces of myself away, let my resolve be diluted by the desires of others, molded my beliefs to fit more comfortably with the beliefs of the people I so longed to love and accept me.
Each year went by and slowly over time more and more 'flavours' (if you will allow me to continue with the metaphor) were added and less and less of me was left.
I wish I knew how to get that girl back, the head strong no nonsense girl who didn't need anyone to tell she was worth while, the little girl who would stand up for what she believed in.

And if you asked her what her dreams were she would sit you down and take the stars from the sky, one by one explaining how possible the impossible was for her future, and yours as well, and when you were done looking in her eyes of hope and wonder you would feel a buzz, not so unlike a shot of Vodka.

Home Truth's

2012-01-24T05:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I was told some things about myself from somebody that I love. Things that were hard to hear. Things that I already knew. It's funny how you can hide your flaws from most people that circle your life but when you truly let someone in they become a mirror for the things you hate most about yourself. It can be very confronting when someone cares enough to call you on your shit and tell you to pull your head in but it can also be an eye opener to the issues in your life. So in an effort to be transparent I have decided to bare it all.

I judge people.
I judge the way people dress, I judge the way people talk, I judge the way people live their lives. I always say that I hate people who judge others but the truth is that I am so very bad at it and it really has to stop. It's funny how I can have compassion on the homeless and the sick and the poverty stricken but when it comes to every day people in my life I'm the first one to make a snide comment about an outfit or brand someone trash because their hair is just a bit too blonde. How can I say I love people when I write them off before they even speak a word. I am part of this worlds problems.

Some of the best people in my life are nothing like me at all, I can think of 3 of the closest people in my life who I wrote off as a dits, a nerd and a bogan. None of them are any of those things and if I hadn't of been in situations where I was forced to get to know them beyond first encounters I never would have gotten to know the hearts that were in them. I would have missed out.

I need to stop judging people, I need to shut my mouth and open my heart, I need to look at whats on the inside and not whats on the outside, I need to give people the chance that I hope they will give me. I need to change.

I am stubborn.
If I think I am right I will not back down, I will not say sorry, I will not hold out an olive branch. I will punish myself to prove a point, I will push people away if I think they are going to hurt me, I can be cold an aloof and unforgiving.

I promise you, dear reader (always wanted to say that), that I don't want to be that way. I have always had to fight in my life, I was told I would die before the age of one, then before the age of four, then when I was fourteen. Being a stubborn little sucker is what has kept me alive and is what has kept me fighting through a world of pain in my life. I beat heart disease, I beat depression, I beat an eating disorder, I beat becoming a statistic. I held on to my life and my sanity like a bulldog with a ball and I guess that has become so ingrained in me that I don't really know how to stop it. I let it run over into my every day life and I keep people at a distance and I hurt them and I hate myself for that.

Inside my heart breaks at the thought that I could be capable of hurting anyone or pushing anyone away but my exterior has become so hard and so well polished that it's hard for me to be vulnerable, to let someone else be right, to care just a little bit less and smile just a little bit more. My past is no excuse for my present. I have to let some things go and save my stubbornness for when it really matters because if I'm wasting all my time fighting about the small stuff then I will have no energy when I'm fighting the big stuff.

I don't know how I can change these things, except by being aware and praying for wisdom and actively trying to treat the people I encounter on a daily basis better. I'm a work in progress.

Smile often
Beth

I want out

2012-01-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

As I sit here on a Sunday night looking at blogs from people all around the world I can't help but be drawn to the concept of change. I have been alive for 22 years and have only left my country three times. I keep dreaming up these adventures I want to go on, places I want to see, people I want to encounter and yet I haven't done any of it.

I always promised myself I wouldn't trade in my big crazy dreams for a 9-5 and a house in the suburbs and as I start to get older I begin to wonder... Is that exactly the path I'm heading down?

I don't want mediocre. I want to eat too much pasta in Rome, go ice skating in central park, study ancient relics in Egypt, help rebuilt buildings and lives in Haiti, see a live band at the The Viper Room in Hollywood, catch a fashion show in Milan, pay respect at the battlefields and museums of ww11. I want to stay up all night discussing literature with someone who completely disagrees with me, make documentaries about the lives of people who's stories are more powerful than mine, stay on couches of kind strangers who don't speak any familiar language besides kindness. I want to go somewhere where I can still get lost and I don't already know someones cousin the first time I meet them.

You only get this one life, 100 years if your lucky, and we're young, so why does society make us think we want to buy a little piece of land so we can build ourselves a comfortable little box where we can close our eyes or switch the TV station any time we see something that makes us uncomfortable.

What if you didn't play by the rules? What if you dared to pursue what you really want, not what your parents want, or your partner wants, or the bills require you to do, but what you really wanted when you were still young enough to believe anything was possible.

Live that life. The rest can wait.

And the truth is, that if you go and follow your heart you will come back with so much more to offer to the people you left behind.

Just one more pair of shoes

2012-01-15T03:30:00.000-08:00

I talk a lot of shit.
Read this blog and you would think I was the next mother Theressa. It is filled to the brim with my thoughts on saving the world, helping the lost find their way, handing out healing to the broken, speaking on behalf of the silent. But the truth is, I just talk a lot of shit.

It has been said that the devils greatest weapon is not to get us into any great evil but instead to keep us distracted. I know that personally I waist so much time, I focus so much energy on things that just don't matter. I can speak of wanting to do great things, write great books, change the planet, feed the hungry but it is all just words as long as I m too caught up stalking people on Facebook, drinking cider or tea with my friends and spending all my money on shoes.

I wish I knew exactly what had to change but the truth is I don't think it's something I can figure out with another night of self analyzing or trolling tumblr for just the right inspirational quote. I think the only real way any of this will change is when I start actually doing all the things I talk about doing. The unimportant will fade away as I spend time engrossed in the important.

You see, distractions only come when you are idol, when your life is lacking, when you feel lost. Once we start walking in the things we are truly passionate about, spending our time and money investing in things that are close to our heart then the trivial will make its way into the peripheral of our hearts where it was always meant to be.

The truth is that deep in my heart, under all the makeup and the shoes and the insecurities, I completely believe in the importance of every persons life. I am totally convinced that every persons voice deserves to be heard and every story is powerful. I believe that if every person lived being true to themselves and following their dreams the world would be a richer place. Every piece of my body aches to see people realise their potential and yet somewhere along the way I got lost.

I got scared, scared that if I offer the things that are deepest within me, the skills that are closest to my heart, the dreams that are uniquely mine, that they will not be enough, that I will find that there is nothing special about me and then I am left vulnerable for rejection. Not only rejection I can control, not a rejection of the exterior, but a rejection of the heart.

What if I offered everything that I had and the world rejected it?

Where do you go from there?

I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of settling for the status-quo, I'm tired of having so much in me and yet settling for less. The only thing standing between my life now and the life of my dreams is me and my stupid fear.

All I know is I don't want to stand in front of a child when I finally get my act together and have them ask me "why didn't you come sooner?"
And to have to reply with "I really wanted another pair of shoes."

The year that was

2011-12-18T22:20:00.000-08:00

As the year draws to an end and the Christmas tree's go up, "what are you doing this weekend" is replaced with "what are you doing for new years eve" and I cannot help but reflect. This year my life has completely changed in pretty much every way.
It's funny because I didn't really realise that it is happening, it's not like the year you graduate school or the year you turn 21, it was more subtle, unmarked with celebration or ritual, but just as dramatic when you look back.

In some ways this time of year will always be the same. This time last year I was spending time with family, putting up the tree, going to see Christmas lights, buying present for my friends and a boy, working hard in retail and relaxing before the start up of uni again. In these ways my life is pretty much exactly the same, but all the details are different.

I am no longer speaking to, let alone buying presents for, the people that I was last year.

The friends I had then who I would have very easily put money on being in my life forever no longer want anything to do with me, after many tears and failed attempts to bridge a gap I have let them go, realising that some things you just can't fix. I still don't know what really happened or why I was exiled from their friendship but I wish them all the best a pray that life is kind to them. As hard as the loss was I have looked around and not only found out that I had so many friends around me already who I had neglected but also I made room for new friends, new experiences, letting people in that I wouldn't have in the little bubble I had created for myself. I have re-evoked friendships that I had let slip by the way side and I have made some of the best friends in the past year. A year ago I would have told you I would not be able to go on without the friends I had but after mourning the loss and picking myself back up I have realised that not only can I go on but I think I am happier, more myself and more free of judgment then I have felt in a long time.

The boy that I was buying presents for is no longer in my life, which is something I never thought I would have had the guts to do, replaced... no upgraded by a boy who makes me feel like the only girl in the room. He puts up with my tantrums, dries my tears when crying over friends, tells me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning and goes to battle to defend me and try to fix things for me. I have stopped making plans for me and started making plans for us, the idea of forever with just one person doesn't scare me anymore and in so many more ways than he knows he has loved me back to emotional health from the wreck I was after my last relationship. He is nothing like I thought I would ever go for and yet he is everything that I needed. If you had of told me this time last year that I would meet a boy who would teach me to trust again, remind me that I am beautiful and call me on my shit whilst still having the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen I would have laughed at you, but somehow it has happened and I don't take a minute of it for granted.

I still work in retail but I now work in a job that I love with people that I adore and a discount on shoes that has created somewhat of a monster. I realise how many people hate their job and so I count myself lucky that I don't dread my long hours of getting paid to hang out with some of my best friends and try on pretty things. Likewise I am still waiting for uni to start but a different major in something I never thought I would be smart enough to get into, psychology, whilst still keeping my passion as a second major in english and creative writing. I am so excited at the prospect of spending my life helping people make their lives better and coming along side people who may have been on a similar journey to me.

Finally in November of this year I did something I have wanted to do for so many years; I visited an orphanage in a third world country, I met some of the most inspirational people. The workers who give their lives to look after these children and the children who have nothing and yet dream of doing great things with their lives. It humbled me and gave back bone to the shit I used to talk about helping people, when I myself had done nothing. It started a love affair to go to more places, see more things and keep injustice firmly in my sight so I can never become complacent about poverty or peoples needs in general.

I guess the reason I share this is to say that no matter where you find yourself this Christmas, no matter how you feel or how hopeless your situation may seem, sometimes all you have to do is hold on, wait out the storm and see whats waiting on the other side. The light you struggle to see at the end of the tunnel may be more than daylight, it may be the answer to your questions, the first steps of your dreams and the warmth of the love you have been waiting for. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes you have to hit the bottom and lose everything you held onto before you can be free to appreciate how great life can be.
All in all I am the happiest I can remember being, where I was lost and without direction last year, 12 months has brought me so much clarity and new opportunities. I have amazing friends who make me laugh until I can't breath, an amazing boyfriend who buys me teapots, an amazing job and an exciting new course I'm about to start.

I am so excited to see what 2012 has to bring, I don't know if it can top 2011 but maybe a trip to Europe can help... (talkin' to you Spyra)

smile often
Beth x

Life

2011-10-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

We only get one life and it is slipping away one minute at a time so stop wasting yours chasing big houses, fast cars and nice clothes.

Live the life you were born to live, the life your 10 year old self dreamed of for their future.
Stop complicating it. Get over yourself, you can't take your title with you.
Let go of the things holding you back, say goodbye to those that abuse you and embrace those that life has abused.
Share meals with the ones you love and order more than a salad.
Leave the house, heck leave the country, the magic exists just outside your comfort zone.
Read often, never stop learning, ideas are precious and you are nowhere near as smart as you think you are.
Love people, you may get hurt half of the time but you will get hurt every time if you never let yourself love anyone and when someone does hurt you: Forgive, you don't know their story so who are you to judge.
Stand up for what you believe in. Speak when you want to be silent, dance when you want to sit it out. Take time for people when you're busy with stuff.
Live from your deepest passion, even when people say you can't do it. No, especially when people say you can't do it.
Stop asking if people are making you happy and start asking how you can make people happy and if you aren't happy with something, change it.

Life was meant to be lived, not just survived because none of us are getting out alive.

she...

2011-10-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

She sits silently, pen poised.
You can see it in her eyes,
the tension, the mystery, the truth.

With an army of letters called to attention on the page before her,
it suddenly seems all too possible,
that if the right words could find their way into the right minds,
then just maybe mere ink could change the world.

Wakeup call

2011-10-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

"And I will never require more or ask you to change because my biggest fear is that if I threatened to leave you wouldn't try to stop me"

I wrote this sentence in my diary 2 years ago. This sentence sums up the past 3.5 years of my life. For almost 3 years I put up with a boy who would call me names, leave me on highways, throw forks at me, threaten to kill himself when he needed me and ignore me when I needed him.

After finally getting out I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I promised myself I would be strong and walk away at the first signs of a man treating me badly. I promised myself that I would live as an example to girls younger than me and girls I long to see set free. I promised myself I would never again fear being alone.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to require more.

27 million people on planet earth are in slavery TODAY; Being used for cheap manual labour, factory work and sex. Girls as young as 3 are being sold into the sex trade by mothers who can't afford to feed their families.

25 thousand people die from hunger EVERY DAY; think how long you would have to go without food to actually die from it, now think about the last time you threw food in the bin because you were "full" or it was "gross."

2 in 3 people don't have access to clean drinking water; That's the free stuff that comes from our taps, all treated and ready to drink, you know the stuff we stand mindlessly bathing in for an hour in the morning because it's waking us up?

11 million children do not live to see their fifth birthday because of completely PREVENTABLE diseases; The kind of diseases you and I have all suffered from and survived with little more than a course of antibiotics.

While I sit at home stressing about how a boy is or isn't treating me or worried about weather he will or wont call, or willing to drop everything to spend Friday night with him, I am completely ignoring the deepest call of my heart, the call to help people.

I know I need to be strong, if not for me then for all the people I can't effect while I am continuously wondering if I'm enough.

My prayer tonight is that I don't fear the unknown, but step into it.. even if that means I have to be alone.

Note: I write this not in some narcissistic attempt to rise above, I write this in hope that someone else who is looking for the strength to be strong may see this and feel like maybe they do have what it takes to stand up and say enough is enough.

It's going to be okay

2011-10-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

There are so many emotions running through my head right now that I cannot put words to, held together by a strange feeling of peace. I have not shed a tear, I have not run away to forget, I have sat and processed and written and hoped and dreamed about my future. I have accepted that sometimes you cannot change things and sometimes it is nobody's fault.

People are not characters, They are not one or even two dimensional. They are real and fractured and amazing and terrible and honest and untruthful and beautiful and ugly and capable of hurting, healing, helping and haunting. People are, ultimately, undefinable.

It scares me how quickly things can change, it scares me how people can be the very essence of your every day life and then, in a matter of months, weeks, days, hours or minutes, can be completely gone, leaving nothing but jilted memories and happy snap shots in their wake.

The truth is that there are no black hats or white hats, no good guys or bad guys, just 6 billion people trying to get by with as little pain as possible. Along the way we bump, or crash into each other and all of us leave casualties. The truth is that none of us are completely guilty or completely innocent and the even bigger truth is that you, and I, will be okay.

This too shall pass..

2011-08-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

On Monday night I sat in my then Boyfriends car thinking, in general, about all kinds of things in the world.
A big question of mine revolved around the issue of trust. You see the world is this big scary place with no guarantees to it, at any moment you could get hit by lightning or struck down with Cancer or wonder to far away and get lost in the bush. Each day we go out into this big scary world with nothing to hold onto but trust. Trust that people will do the right thing by you. Trust that they will do what they say they will or not do what they say they wont. All we have is trust.
What happens when that trust is broken?
When somebody promises you something and doesn't deliver or promises they will never do something and then does it?
What if someone tells you they love you and want to marry you and then they walk away without even a goodbye or a reason.
What happens to trust then?

Suddenly the world seems a whole lot more scary than it did in that car on Monday.

We all have a story

2011-08-21T07:52:00.000-07:00

I take public transport. I work in the CBD of a capital city and I live in one of the lowest economical areas in said city. Needless to say I meet people with stories every day.

A week ago I met a man on the train, he smelt of alcohol and marijuana and I really didn't want him to sit next to me, he did. He asked me how far it was until his stop, I told him and looked the other way (We like to do that don't we) As each stop passed he would ask again and again when his stop was, finally he told me that his mother had died a few days earlier, I felt like such a terrible person.
"I got a new suit for the funeral" he said with his head bowed, "I look rather handsome in it" he added with the hint of a smile.
He got off at his stop and told me to have a good day.

That man has a story.

Across the road from my work a girl sits everyday with a sign asking for people to spare a coin, her head is always facing down as her eyes scan the ground, she is one of the sadest looking people I have ever seen. I always try to give her something, even if people tell me she will only spend it on drugs.

That girl has a story.

Tonight marked the end of the world vision 40 hour famine, a man spoke about some of the atrocities happening all around the world, from famine to human trafficking and the small things we can do to help.

Every one of those people has a story.

But is anyone listening?

It makes me sad that I live in a world surrounded by peers who can talk for hours about TV shows, music and clothes but the moment you bring up poverty, slavery, homelessness, depression, or the thoughts you have about helping, everyone shifts on their chairs and smiles at you with a wisp of pity that you should be so naive as to think you could ever help. My generation walks around, far too aloof and cool to say what matters.

I don't know if I am alone, if I am the only 22 year old that lays awake at night stressing that I'm going to live and die and the world will be no different from my time here. It has occured to me that I live in a society that tells you to
"look out for number one"
"put yourself first"
"make as much money as you can"
"cut down tall poppies"
"protect yourself at all costs"
"Survival of the fittest"
It breaks my heart to watch people compete with each other instead of truely wanting the best for the people around them, is the only way to get ahead to just stop caring about others? I have never gotten my head around this.

Call me naive, but I would be happy on minimum wage (which would still be so much more than most people in the world) if I knew I could wake up everyday and help people.
I'm sorry but I just don't care about having a fancy house or a new car or a 6 figure salary. I try to care, because I know that's what we're supposed to do but the truth is I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!

There are all these beautifully broken people in the world with these amazing stories that nobody gets to hear because we have labeled them "drunks" or "homeless" or "dirty" or "third world" it makes me wonder if people really don't care or if we are all just too scared to talk about whats really on our hearts because we feel as though our ideals will fall on deaf ears.

The truth is that I am the problem. I am the problem because I spent $190 on a cardigan that doesn't even keep me warm, when that same money, in the right hands, could give a family in Africa the means to make an income to support them for life, or give a single mother in a homeswest house her rent for the week, or buy the soup and bread for a soup kitchen to feed a few hundred people.

There is 6 billion people on the planet and I can only manage to conjure up enough thought for one...

I don't care what anyone says, that's not how it was meant to be.

An apology of sorts

2011-08-01T07:57:00.001-07:00

I was brought up in a christian home. A very christian home. A "my dad was a pastor of a church until I was 9" christian home.
I went to a christian school from year one to year twelve, I wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons let alone Southpark, I was told off for saying shut up and didn't even know a four letter word beginning with F existed.
I was brought up in a very christian home.

During my late teens I rebelled a bit and became hugely embarrassed by how little I knew about the big wide world. I wanted nothing more than to fit in with all these cool people I'd meet at shows who weren't from "very christian homes." I pierced every orifice in my face, I wore skinny jeans and had clip in blue extensions. (I wasn't allowed the real thing at my school... what are you crazy?) I listened to super hardcore bands like The used and simple plan and sometimes I'd even..like..get drunk. I know right!

It's funny how things change..

Today I still have a few tattoos and I'll probably get more, I dress however I want and listen to whatever I want, even if it isn't cool (Kesha, we're talking about you here). I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not in any way hardcore, I'm innocent, I don't use swear words because they still feel wrong on my tongue, I don't think pornography or graphic violence is ok for anyone to be watching, I have never taken illegal substances and am still shocked every time someone mentions them in casual conversation as though everyone does it, and if you tell me you lost your virginity at 14 my response will be sympathy because frankly I find that heart breaking.

I used to hate my upbringing and loath that my parents brought me up in a bubble, but now I treasure it. I'm glad I was still playing with barbies with my little sister when I was 12, I'm glad I didn't watch an MA movie until I was 15, I'm glad I was sweet 16 and never been kissed, I'm glad I didn't taste alcohol until I was 17, I'm glad I grew up not knowing what sex or violence looked like and I'm glad that my parents cared enough about me that they took the road less traveled to keep me from growing up to fast.

Once upon a time I would have said I'd never raise my kids as strictly as my parents raised me but now I only hope that I have the guts to do exactly that.

Rant

2011-03-03T07:40:00.001-08:00

So I kind of feel like my mother is disappointed with me. Don't worry this isn't going to be a "perfect" by simple plan moment. I love my mother, I really, really, really do but she is very old fashioned and I think I may scare her. You see she assumes I must not be happy because I am single, or that something is missing in my life because my facebook status doesn't say "in a relationship." Every time somebody gets engaged or married or even starts dating she is like "ohh that will be you soon." On my 21st birthday she even gave me a wedding barbie, saying that this will be the next thing we celebrate. SHE WANTS GRANDKIDS!

Okay I get it, you want me to be happy, what mother doesn't want that for their daughter but what if my idea of happy isn't to be married with 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs by the time I'm 25. I'm not saying there is anything in the world wrong with this, I think it's amazing and lovely and I do hope to settle down and get married... One day. But not today, today I am 21 years old, I want to volunteer as much as I can, write as much as I can, study as much as I can, travel as much as I can. I want to lose myself in being young and loving God and putting every ounce of energy I have into a cause that makes everything suddenly matter. I've never wanted a 9-5. I've never wanted to settle down early. I've never wanted that and it seems like she was fine with that until I hit 21, when suddenly I was ment to be in some sort of committed relationship with a promise ring.

You see my mum was married by the time she was 21, my dad was 18. They had a house, they went to work, they came home and they made dinner, my dad was a pastor, my mum a carer, they had 2 children and they sent them to a private school. I love my parents, but I don't want their life. I want my own life, I want to go on adventures, I want to help people, I wan't to keep injustice firmly in my sight so I never get complacent about it. I know I cant save the whole world but I would just feel like it was such a waist if I didn't spend every day trying and so far that hasn't meant being with a significant other. I think my mum finds this hard to understand, I think she assumes I must be unhappy... It's hard enough being the only one at family gatherings riding solo without my well intentioned mother wanting to give me some pep talk about how "the right guy is out there" I KNOW THIS! I wasn't worried until everyone started treating me like my singleness was a disease that needed to be cured.

So mother, yes I am single, yes I have tattoos, yes I am 21 and STILL want to change the world. I know you thought I would grow out of it all and I know you'd like me to have a more simple goal in life but I don't and if that means that I have to spend Christmas on the kids table for a few extra years then I'm ok with that, I wish you would be too.

Smile often
beth

Within

2011-02-28T11:25:00.000-08:00

Within you is an ideal, a voice of youth and a promise of achievement still to come.
Within your hands are special gifts and talents.
Within your mind is the source of your dreams.
Within you is the strength to carry your dreams to completion.
Within your heart is the desire to meet the world on your own terms.
You are strong, you are wise, you have a dream.
You have a spirit, you have confidence; you have faith.
You are your own person and you always will be.
Within you is something so precious and rare.
Within you is the promise of the future.

- Im pretty sure I didn't write this. I'm not that good of a writer. It was in my diary without a source so I may have, but I have a feeling its an excerpt from a book. Either way I love it.

THIS!

2011-02-28T11:20:00.001-08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presents automatically liberates others.

- Martin Luther King

For my generation

2011-02-28T11:14:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem to my teenage self but as I wrote it I realised it was not just for me, It was for every girl that is lost today. Every girl who never had someone to tell them it would all be ok

little girl it's ok to cry
who told you it was wrong?
little girl why don't you sing
what happened to your song?
little girl no need to starve
we have a plentiful of food
little girl no need to swear
why is your mouth so crude?
little girl don't run away
there is a home here for you.
little girl I see your hurting
there's no need to pretend.
little girl I see your hurting
I know a God who mends.

2011-02-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

with all my bruises and scars
I try to stumble in your direction
How can this broken body
be in the image of your perfection
your sinless hands and feet
were slowly nailed to a tree
your body was beaten and broken
for the likes of someone like me
again and again I run
from the arms that are my home
and still you come searching
you never make me do it alone
so I will live my today
seeking out your face
and live my life in light
of this amazing grace

A poem

2011-02-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem in 2007 about the day I gave my life to the lord when I was 4 years old during communion. It is a story of hope, love, father and daughter. It is a story about a big God who loved me so much he died for me and a father who loved me to much not to tell me about it.

Daddy take my hand,
we can talk to the lord.
I'll climb onto you lap,
tell me the tales he told.
What does the cup mean daddy,
Why am I drinking his blood?
Why do we get crackers daddy,
Does his body taste good?
I think I like this Jesus daddy,
he reminds me of you.
So you say he loves me daddy,
even more than you do?
What does it mean to pray daddy,
must I be on my knees?
I want to meet this Jesus daddy,
can you help me please?
So you say he is my daddy now,
can I still have you too?
Now I have two daddy's,
my father God and you.

2011-02-28T10:14:00.001-08:00

I said: why me lord?
You said: why not you?
I said: I am broken.
You said: this is true.
I said: choose another.
You said: why?
I said: she is better.
you said: That's a lie.

And then you said something I didn't expect
you said: my child I love you and you deserve only the best
and so I said, not knowing where to start,
Lord I need you, come into my heart.
and you replied with tears in your eyes,
Child I have been waiting for you since the day I died

it's not just for bumper stickers

2011-02-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

How many times have you heard the cliche "God loves you" weather it be from your friendly local pastor or the crazy guy on the street, we have all heard it time and again, were almost desensitized to it. It loses all meaning. But let me break this down for you.. God loved you so much that he sent his only son to die for you. DIE. Now I am pretty convinced that God is a smart guy, all seeing all knowing and all that jazz, so when he decides to do something as drastic as putting up his own son for death he must have some pretty solid logic behind it.

I have a heart condition, and have had 3 open heart surgeries to date and I can tell you one thing I have learnt from the large amount of time I have spent in hospital throughout my life (besides the fact that the food quality is somewhere up there with dog food) and that is this, it hurts my parents a million times more than it hurts me. I remember once I was getting a needle into my lung to drain some fluid and my dad was holding my hand, he went so white watching me in pain as I yelled about ducks and ships, or something to that affect, he was so upset that the medical staff asked him if he needed to leave the room to compose himself. I didn't cry that day. My dad did. And that was just a needle. I have watched my parents hurt over me so much more than I could ever physically hurt.

At Calvary God had to watch his son go through a million times more pain than I have ever had to endure. Any parent can only imagine the pain you would feel having your some come to you and say "Dad, please take this cup from me, but not my will be done but yours." Just like if I had said to my dad the night before my operation "Dad please don't let it happen" I can't even imagine what that would do to him. Then after watching his son go through all that torture, being despised and nailed onto a cross left to die in one of the cruelest forms of execution history has known, God had to look away. It would be like my dad having to leave that room white faced with tears in his eyes as I cried out "Why have you forsaken me." To watch your son not only go through physical torture but then to leave him completely alone in the moment when he needs you most is more pain than I can imagine.

God, being the all knowing father that he is would not have done this if there wasn't a strong reason behind his madness. In the midst of all this pain, watching his son slowly die and leaving him in it all alone he knew that, you know what, this hurts, this breaks my heart,

but the pain of spending eternity without you would be so much worse.
That is how much God loves you.

A prayer for Kira

2011-02-28T09:19:00.000-08:00

Lord take her little broken heart
that cannot find the way
Lord hold it in your mighty hands
and protect her each new day
Lord send her smiles to give her hope
of the life she will one day lead
Lord send her kisses with the rain
to water her destinys seed
Lord send her friends to guide her path
into the masters house
Lord whisper to her heart and soul
to leave some people out
Lord tell he of your love for her
so that she may see
that you have only good things planed
even though she can't yet see
And lord I pray one last thing
before I say amen
clothe her in strength and dignity

and be with her till the end

Checking in

2011-02-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it is February all ready. I have neglected this blog so much lately but I am going to be better. Spend more time on it. Hopefully this will be easier given that I will be back at uni and thus spending a lot more time on my phone.

I'm begining a new course (Double degree in Arts majoring in creative writing, minoring in English/communications majoring in Journalism) this year which I am super excited about. Especially super excited to go into it minus the boy drama of the past 2.5 years. I'll be writing so much so I will have so much to post.

I have a heart appointment on the 18th of this month, which is good because it will give me some more information about where that is all heading.

And finally, I deactivated my Facebook page yesterday, I know right.. It just felt right for now, head space etc. So much drama on that little guy. Beyond all that I'm trying to take some time to myself, just being still for a bit before the craziness of the year starts up in less than a month.

Anyway thats my update for now, I hope it wasn't to mind numbingly boring.

smile often
Beth

Late night regrets

2011-02-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

(Originally I posted this on my tumblr but thought this was more the forum for it.)

Today as I walked through the food court in carousel I saw two men, one visibly disabled, sitting at a table counting out coins. Silver coins.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off the table. It broke my heart and at this time I wasn’t even sure why. As I approached I herd the disabled man say “I will go up and see how much it is and then come back and see if we can afford it” in that moment I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed to give them money. I needed to walk over to the ATM, withdraw $50 and hand it to them.

I needed to.

But I didn’t.

“I don’t have any cash, the ATM is like at least 20 steps away, what if I’ve read the situation wrong, my dads waiting for me, I cant make him wait, this is ridiculous, they will probably think I’m a right freak…etc etc”

It is now 3.48am and I can not sleep. I can not sleep because of what I walked past. How can I say that I want to save the world, help the lost, feed the hungry if I cant give $50 to 2 people in carousel.

Those men are probably fine, sleeping right now. They probably brought their meals, whatever they could afford, with their fist fulls of silver coins, while the person behind the register looked at them with judgment and subtly strains of pity. But I mean they are used to it right, everyone looks through them with their out of date clothes and visible differences, I’m sure they wouldn’t have blinked an eye, just another day to them.

But you know what would have made them blink? If a 21 year old uni student gave them some money so even if it was only for a second, just this one time, they would be reminded that someone cares, that they matter, that they are no invisible and God remembered them and nudged the simple heart of a passer by to show kindness. I had and opportunity to be the hands and feet that I so often say I’ll be and I walked past it, I put my awkward embarrassment in front of them.

I will tell you what I know for sure. They will not miss out. God loved them and will see to it that they are shown that love one way or another. It is me who missed out, because I didn’t get to be part of that.

it's simple, really.

2011-01-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Keeping up with the Joneses

2010-12-16T07:37:00.000-08:00

I think we spend a lot of our time trying to look happy, to keep it all together, to have the right phones, the nice clothes, the comfy house. Its almost as though we think if we have everything looking good on the outside then everything will be okay on the inside. We don't want anyone to know that our brother does drugs, our best friend cuts them self or we stick our fingers down our throats after every meal. The credit card can be maxed, the final notices can come, the sleepless nights can continue as long as nobody ever finds out. We don't ever want to be one of the broken people. The ones lining up at food vans or sitting alone at the movies, The girl still wearing flares in 2010 or the guy who weighs 300kg. We will do everything possible to look the part, to play the roll, to say and do the correct things so that we are never the one people look twice at with that sad look of pity mixed with disgust.

And then something happens that changes everything. You crash your car or discover cancer or lose your job and you are forced to think, you can’t quite ever be as naive as you once were. People treat you differently, true friends get closer as masses fade away and in that moment you realize that there is very little that separates the “us” from the “them”

Smile often
Beth

haters gon hate

2010-12-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I wrote a blog saying that I wont write here anymore.
Within 2 hours I received 2 text messages, 2 emails and 1 wall post on facebook telling me not to. (and this was all at 1am, seriously people why are you awake!)
People I had no idea even read this blog came out telling me that what I was saying mattered and that they had read it from day one.

If I want to be a writer then I will face critics the whole way and if I give up every time someone hates my stuff then I should get out of the game now.

So here is my one and only response to anyone that doesn't like what I'm doing. Say what you like, I'm not writing for you. I'm writing for me, and more so for the people that read it and take something from it, instead of worrying about whether I have used the right "your" in a sentence.

I'll continue to write and you can continue to hate. Everyone has a passion right...

Smile often
Beth

For a Friend

2010-11-29T02:38:00.000-08:00

Sitting in her art space at Curtin University, she is a poster child of an alternative generation. Blazing red hair, facial piercings, amazing art work surrounding her and an increasingly common sight adorning her skin, self inflicted scars. As she takes another brush from the table she stairs at the empty canvas and knows that within the next few hours she will transform the blinding white surface into a piece of art that her peers will applaud, her audience will admire and her friends will be proud of.

Anti psychotics are fresh in her system and she will feel them running through her veins until evening, just in time to dope herself up again before bed. This morning when she woke up she didn’t have any new plans to paint, she barely had plans to arise. That’s nothing new though; she had given up on planning long ago. Stability is one of the first things to go when it comes to mental illness. How can one be expected to make plans for Thursday week when she has no idea where her headspace will be at on that day?

I ask her is she feels understood. She pauses for a long minute and then looks at me,

“No” she says.

“People try to understand but sometimes I wish they wouldn’t because they just get it all so wrong, you can’t understand unless you have lived it.”

Her list of diagnosis’ read like a run sheet of modern day mental health; Depression, anxiety, bulimia, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and Poly substance abuse, to name a few. With over 50 visits to the emergency room and at least 10-15 admissions to mental health clinics, she knows all to well the labels she wears to warn society that she is not one of them.

The nurses always ask the same questions and make the same assumptions, an overdose on pills is written in her notes as a “suicide attempt” but She tells me they have got it wrong,

“It’s just a rest” she says.

“I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for a while until it doesn’t hurt anymore” She has known the awful touch of naked men. Wondered aloud and in silent if “no” ever really means “no”, and watched as she slides blades against her skin and blood streams down her arm taking her to a state of euphoria where she can be cleansed from her transgressions and numbed to her loss of innocence. But they don’t ask that question, they don’t care if she said no, she watches time and again as they look through her charts and scribble the word “promiscuous.”

I watch her as she continues to create, to paint, and to inspire. Her work is mostly autobiographical and writes a story that words could never do justice to “If people can walk away from my art work connected to it in some way than I have done my Job. I will know that my experiences haven’t gone to waste.” And as I look at the painting before me, I assure you, one cannot help but connect.

Take 400?

2010-11-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

You lied

I believed

I broke

You lied

I believed

I broke

You lied

I believed

I broke

You lied

I didn't believe

I still broke

Thankyou

2010-11-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Within moments of pressing "publish" on my last post my side table was already lighting up with Text messages. (and that's saying a lot, it was 1am)
All through the next day I was inundated with texts of support, hope, friendship and love, my facebook inbox wasn't safe either, my Iphone was vibrating the crap out of my boobs as it sat in my bra at work.

As people came from the woodworks to hold my hand through this time, i realised a community I had long forgotten existed. It seems the saying is true, its the ones you least expect that step up in times of need.

In the beginning I was sad, afraid to do it all alone. I suddenly felt my singleness a lot, no boy to hold my hand or dry my tears. I felt lonely in the midst of it, but after the last 2 days and the love that has been showered upon me I realise I don't do this alone, I do it with an army of people armed with ice creams, words of encouragement, prayers and laughter.

The world goes on and mine will to.
It must.

A broken heart isn't always metaphorical.

2010-11-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

I sat in the doctors surgery as I had done many times before, smilling and chatting as he poked and prodded and asked me how I felt. Everything was normal, just a cardiac checkup I've been having for years until he told me to take a seat.

The look on his face changed as the words streamed from his lips. Everything became slow motion and I tried desperately to follow along..

"Obviously you are not showing any symptoms... yet.. its not good news... new tests... I'll discuss with colleagues... heart has failed... this never normally happens... OPEN HEART SURGERY."

..my eyes welled up with tears, alone I came to this appointment and alone I left, crying, confused, in shock. The next two days were a blur of tears and my attempts to push away everyone I held dear. Sadly in some cases it worked.

Today, a week and a half after the news, I went for my first lot of tests. Needles, drugs, a scary machine and lonely rooms filled with nothing but radiation and my fears. I watch as the all to familiar scene begins, everyone walking on egg shells so as not to disturb the dance we all take part in, the steps that tell us it isn't really that bad.

In the midst

2010-10-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the reality of everything hits me like a tone of bricks.
I feel as though I cannot breathe. I shake. I stop. I wonder what it all means.
I doubt.
I doubt my abilities. I doubt my looks. I doubt my personality. I doubt my future.
I fear.
I fear my inadequacy. I fear my insecurities. I fear my weaknesses. I fear my future.
I cry.

I know this is the part where I'm meant to tell you something amazing happens and I realise that I have to believe in myself and hope for the best and love with abandon, because that's how it goes right? Every story has a lesson. Every fable, a moral? Every fairytale, a happy ending?

Sometimes though we forget to document the journey. The story in the middle, before the climax. Before the hero shows up. Before we feel better.

I so believe that these secrets are walls that keep us alone. We fear the vulnerability. We dont tell the story until it is resolved. We don't speak in the midst.

Tonight I am in the midst. Tonight I don't have all the answers. Tonight it is dawning on me that this is not a dress rehearsal for my life. This is my life and I only get one.
What am I going to do with it?
What am I already doing with it?

I know deep down that tomorrow the sun will rise and I will feel OK again. I know that the worries that tend to fill the room at the wee hours will fade into the background as the noise of the morrow keeps my fragile mind occupied.

I also know that there is more. That the world does not change because I chose to see it one way or the other.

I know all this but tonight I'm in the midst and you know what? That's OK.

smile often
x

close your eyes and dream

2010-09-29T01:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel as though I'm watching the world pass me by..
Waiting. Always waiting.
Eyes set on the horizon searching for my white horse to come and take me away.
Hoping I'll find solace in words, ink, music, money, networking, romance.

But after just a moment when the new becomes old and the excitement fades away you still close your eyes every night to the same person.
The same thoughts. The same memories. The same insecurities.

You can change your clothes.
You can change your job.
You can change your significant other.
You can change the size on the back of your jeans.
You can change WHAT you are.
You can change WHERE you are.
But none of that matters unless you are okay with WHO you are.

smile often

A reminder

2010-09-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

"Dear Beth,

21 years down... many more to go hopefully. I'm not one to make a big deal of milestones, and I reckon you're similar to me, but think of it this way - you've got 21 years of experience at this thing called life. You may not realise it but you've got a lot of accumulated wisdom.

I encourage you to share it with others.

I like you because you're a thinker. You think for yourself. Sadly, there aren't many like you these days, especially inside the church!

So I encourage you to share, speak, blog, write a book.. Do all the those things. And may you inspire others to think for themselves, and most importantly, to discover God for themselves

Happy Birthday
From Grant"

I found this card today, it made tears come to my eyes, I'm not going to lie.
It reminded me of my goal, my future, what this blog was always meant to be about in the first place.
How easy we get lost. How easy we forget the calling of our hearts.

This was never a popularity contest.

So thankyou to one of my oldest friends Grant.
Thankyou for seeing something in me and for bothering to write it all down in a card.
Thankyou for being a true friend. Even if you're not an "everyday" friend.

I will return now to write of things that stir my soul, even if it doesn't involve fashion pictures.

smile often
Beth

with these cards, I fold.

2010-09-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

I find it so funny how in the space of 2 years,

I can go from not knowing someone at all.
To having that person be my entire world.
To not speaking to that person ever again.

I'll never understand the game.

meet.love.leave.repeat.

until somebody, someday stops playing the game and
stays

A faith I can be proud of.

2010-09-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

"I’m in a band. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I love punk rock music. Sometimes I use swear words a lot. I respect and admire gay men and women. I’m obsessed with horror films. I know what shame feels like. And guess what old man? Jesus is still my Savior."
-Hayley Williams.

Done!

I love..

2010-09-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

the smell of summer nights and the taste of spearmint milk.
laying in bed when its cold and raining and knowing I have not a thing to do.
that moment when you realise that an acquaintance has become a friend.
conversations that last for hours and yet you walk away feeling like you could have spoken for hours more.
comfortable silences where you feel like nothing needs to be said for you to feel understood.
finding THAT song that sums up exactly how you're feeling at that moment.
that moment after you stop crying and you realise it's not that bad after all.
reading books until the sun comes up.
the smell of sprinkles and the sound of crows because it reminds me of being young.
telling someone they're pretty and watching their face light up.
laying around with the people you love doing nothing but BEING together.
Those unplanned nights that turn out perfect and end at 6am
expreskis from the dome and sushi from jaws.
taking interest in people and finding out that everyone has a story worth telling.
personal jokes
laughing so hard my stomach hurts
the feeling of being on stage in character (drama nerd)
making people laugh.
falling in love for the first time and every time after that

2010-09-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

If you're doing what you love,
Then you're bulletproof

2010-09-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

We stand where we are today because of the choices we have made.

Circumstances may control the tides,
but our choices are the rudder.

2010-08-30T02:36:00.000-07:00

2010-08-26T08:44:00.001-07:00

I believe in the sun, even when I can't see it.
I believe in love, even when I don't feel it.
I believe in God, even when he is silent.

Nice words right, something you'd find on a postcard or hanging on a plaque in your grandma's house?

What if I told you these words were found scratched into the walls of a Prisoner Of War camp after the second world war?

did the prisoner survive?
what horrors did he witness?
what loved ones did he lose?
how was he still able to have hope unwavered?

'Faith that surpasses all understanding'

Just thoughts on paper

2010-08-21T11:07:00.001-07:00

Making my own way. The road less traveled seems a breeze. I chose instead the road untraveled.
I'm small, but my dreams are big. I'm shy but my voice will be heard. I'm broken but redeemed.

the heart wants to be loved, but what is the soul willing to give up in order to obtain this love?

Continue to seek what is good. Continue to be yourself even if its not accepted, attractive, or desired. Don't fall for the lie again. Don't play your cards close to your chest. Be wise but open. Don't let your heart grow cold but don't lay it out there either. Love yourself because it's who your stuck with. Make the mark you were born to make, not the mark you hope for people to see. Go back to childhood dreams, revisit the morals of your youth.
Back when you believed you were worth it.

who turned our bravery into shame?

2010-08-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

Who told us our scars are ugly?

(Renee Yohe - to write love on her arms)

a hero. a quote. a dream

2010-08-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

To state the obvious, this man was a literary genius. He always seems to put into words that which my vocabulary can only barely elude to. This quote being no exception.

There are so many people out there who have shut themselves off because they have been hurt.broken.abandoned.rejected

It breaks my heart.

I, too have been hurt in more than one way by more than one person but the scars only remind that I loved. I truly loved. And though it hurt, and believe me it did.
I will love again.

That I can promise you.

2010-08-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

This to shall pass...

I'm sorry,

2010-08-15T05:59:00.000-07:00

to my friends,

the ones that have to put up with my mistakes.

my tears.

my shortcomings.

you deserve better

I'll be better...

strawberries, steak and marshmallows

2010-08-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

The smell of juicy couture and aftershave mixed with liquor and fat hangs in the air, an old friend to the senses, reminding me that I am living in the best of times.
It starts with drinks. It always starts with drinks doesn't it? Tonight the setting is hogs breath cafe, the time is 7pm and the drinks have arrived. I'm smiling already.
I think the combined weight of all 4 people at the table would fall below 220kg but that doesn't stop us from ordering the biggest things we can find on the menu, starting with a ridiculously indulgent appetizer to share. The stuffed potato skins, squid rings, friend chicken and spring rolls are devoured in record time as the aforementioned drinks kick in and we quickly descend into hysterics. Nobody makes me laugh like these people.

After a few laughs with the waiter and a sing-along to happy birthday, our main meals arrive. Now the meals at any stake house are a force to be reckoned with, and even with my very feminine choice of a petite order, it was still a mission to finish, all be it a wonderful one.

Some of my friends however, where not quiet as committed, and thus failed in the mission. I still feel for their pain, even today.

From there we decide that, though we are near bursting with food and have certainly exceeded our calorie intake for the week, the best idea is to order the biggest dessert on the menu in one last ditch effort to make certain we feel sick for the rest of the evening. It was amazing, thanks for asking.

The food was all delicious and I'd recommend the place to anyone but that is hardly the point for me. because it's not really about the food is it? That is merely the scrumptious excuse we use to gather with the people we hold most dear. You see the most tantalizing aspect of any night I spend with friends in a restaurant is not the food. Instead it is the people, the rich texture of friendship, the sweet sound of laughter, The old smell of familiarity and memories, all combined to make it clear that this really is the best of times.

Smile often

Beth

This broke my heart when it was played...

2010-08-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

...I need to stop getting teary in tutorials

for everything I don't like..

2010-08-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

I like words. Though I do not believe that they can ever encapsulate the sum of ones experience,

they look so regal when scratched on paper,

and sound so eloquent when rolled off the tongue in the right manner.

I like photos. Capturing the moments that one hopes to never forget and displaying them as a keepsake for years to come has always seemed such a romantic notion to me.

I like people. They bring out the best and the worst in me,

and it is only in the context of relationship that one truly learns the good that still exists amongst the human condition.

I like reading. I'm hardly under the impression that being ignorant about the world, it's history, and it's different cultures, is somehow cool.

once apon a time, or maybe twice...

2010-08-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

Me: What is your greatest fear?

Mum: Being trapped in water under ice.

Me: Telling me to accept mediocrity is like telling yourself to accept being trapped in water under ice,
because mediocrity is my greatest fear.

An ode to an icon...

2010-07-28T01:40:00.000-07:00

As the car steers around the corner and pulls up infront of Tiffany's in New York City a stunning woman steps out and begins to glide across the path. With a coffee in one hand and a paper bag in the other, she stands infront of the iconic store. Taking a pastry from the bag she takes one single bite and with it creates cinematic history.

There is a lot I could say now, I could tell you of her past, her early upbringing that played out in the midst of of war and devistation in her home country. I could tell you of her style, the couture dresses and the glistening jewellery, the undisputable fashion force that she was for her entire life, and continues to be today. I could tell you of her career, her humble beginings in ballet schoolthat led to her portrayal of Gigi and went on to see her star in 18 films, nomintaed for 4 Academy Awards and win Best Actress for "ROman Holiday". I could tell you of her legacy, the family she raised, the charity work she did for UNICEF in her later years, and The Audrey Hepburn Children's Fund, which still continues today. However that is merely statistics and opinions, what I want to tell you is who she was, when the lights went out and the makeup was off. Who was Audrey Hepburn when nobody was looking?

In his book "Audrey Hepburn: An Elegant Spirit" Audrey's son describes her as a compassionate woman who searched for and offered love above all else. Audreys own words back this up, with her quoted as saying "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." She lived her life not only to entertain, but also to engage, to engage with her audience, engage with her family, engage with people.

So I wonder, how did it feel to be "Audrey Hepburn", a person who became an actress, an actress who became a star, a star who became an icon? The shocking answer is this, "You can even say that I hated myself at certain periods. I was to fat, or maybe to tall, or maybe just plian to ugly..." Its hard to believe, but nice to know that the face of a thousand add campaignes, the mother of style and "Most Beautiful Woman Of All Time" was insecure just like you and I. So, while every woman wanted to be her, and every man wanted to marry her, she was happy to be at home with her sons, blissfully unfazed by the frenzy she caused and, just like her character standing in front of Tiffany's, Audrey Hepburn could be surrounded by the most precious of jewels, but everyone is still looking at her.

(this is a piece I wrote for uni, I got a high distinction so I thought it might be worth sharing it on here)

Sometimes I'd even watch PG movies, WITHOUT parental guidance. I know right..

2010-07-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

I tend to get lost in trivial things. Banking on things I know are only temporary. Focusing on the minors whilst I let the majors pass by. I'm like a child, mesmerised by pretty colours, flashing lights and loud sounds. It is only in the silence, at the wee hours of the night that I can no longer escape the truth. The truth that I am broken. Dreams of my youth stand in the background being blurred out by the clangs of my everyday existence. I wish I were stronger, more noble. I wish hard decisions came easy to me, like they do for some.
Doing good is almost a second thought for me, I crave adventure, rebellion, excitement and doing good so rarely seems adventurous, rebellious or exciting. It's like when I was little and wouldn't want to go to bed in fear that I was missing out on something. It always seemed that the hours between 8.30pm and 7.30am must be when all the good stuff happens. The adults bring out the chocolate and the PG movies and everything else good about being old.
I think doing good sometimes feels like going to bed on time, there is a part of me that is convinced I'm missing out. It must be fun right, otherwise why would they have to tell us not to do it? But the funny thing is that on the few times I did stay up late, you know those occasions when one parent isn't home so the other one caves to the pressure, I would sit up watching TV, something really bad ass like "Family of Five" or something and slowly my eyes would close and I would fall asleep on the couch. The chocolate never seemed to come out any more than it did pre 8.30, fireworks didn't go off, party's didn't happen. It was all together a let down and I'd just wake up a little bit more tired for school.

I'll let the metaphore go unsaid because really it's all a bit to obvious isn't it.

Smile often
Beth

Dear Diary..

2010-07-14T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've kept a journal since I was 12, and I still have every one. They sit in draws in my room, sometimes I open them and have a read. Most of the time I don't. I love that they are there though, A record that I was here, that I existed, that those years happened. I like that I can look back to my perspective at 12, 13 ,15, 18 and see how I saw things back then. It's a guilty pleasure and a selfish past time but Journaling, writing, sketching, expressing, It's something I'll always do. And If I can make a living from it than I'll be a very happy girl.

I say all that to say this, Today I was cleaning out my journals and I opened one, It was the year of 2003. Th year I almost died on more than one occasion, the year I lost my grandmother to cancer, the year I was told I would need a heart transplant, the year I flew to Sydney with the make a wish foundation to meet the cast of home and away (don't judge me), the year I had open heart surgery 6 days before Christmas. I opened the journal, wanting to delve into the mind of my 14 year old self, truly wondering how I had felt, what I had thought of the whole thing. I expected long rants of confusion, medical questions, end of days prayers, the works... And what I got was.. BOYS!
Seriously the whole journal was about boys, and how I liked this boy, and if I should tell him, and if I was fat and if he would like me and why, God forbid, I was 14 and didn't have a boyfriend. I honestly couldn't believe it, I was going through the roughest physical time of my life (and that's saying a lot considering I'd already had 2 open heart surgery's) and all I could think about was BOYS.

Then it dawned on me, maybe I'm doing that now too. If I read back to my journals of today would I be thinking, oh that was my first year of uni, I moved out of home, started volunteering, beginning my "adult life". But I wouldn't find any of that in the pages of my diary, nothing about uni or work or volunteering, all I would find written was pages of confusion about a boy, about my appearance, about my insecurities. Really, I'm 14 all over again.

Smile often
Beth

When I'm lost for words

2010-07-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing I have ever posted that wasn't personally written by me. But the moment anyone who knows me reads who it was written by they will understand...

"The night time does the same thing to me. To many thoughts running through my head, I find myself getting so depressed-so quickly. It's tough to break out of it, really it is. The best way to deal with it - is to just feel it... No matter how much it hurts. Then... apply to life. Remember, you always feel the best the moment after you've cried"

-Craigery Owens

Hope.

2010-07-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up to rain today.
A storm had rolled in overnight, or so it seems.. It's days like these when one needs hope. You see storms come in life, the sun is hidden behind dark clouds and your hair gets all frizzy. The perfect way to make a 21 year old girl feel like shit. I suppose this is like life really. Sometimes you can't see the sun. The clouds make it impossible to see the positives in life. Situations and circumstances roll in like cold fronts in the night and we wake up to rain. Hope is what gets us through the storm. Hope is the knowledge that when I wake up to rain it isn't permanent. Hope is the knowledge that though I don't see the sun, it is still there. Hope is the belief that tomorrow will be brighter than today, even if today wasn't brighter than yesterday.
Without hope we essentially live in the storm forever. We wake up to rain and wallow in the belief that it will last forever. Without hope we cannot see a better future. Hope is a force that is stronger than pain. hope is a force that is stronger than uncertainty. Hope is a force that is stronger than hate. Hope is what got me off the pantry floor when I was told I would need open heart surgery for the 3rd time at 14 and I only had 50% chance of living and hope is the reason I lived beyond those odds to be here today waking up to rain.
Besides, rains not all that bad. We have de-frizz for hair these days anyway...

smile often
Beth

back to basics

2010-05-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes only nature can make me truly understand how insignificant my problems are and how big the world really is.

I think everyone just needs to chill out a little bit and enjoy the ride

Life's to short to spend it stressing

smile often

Beth

Dear inspiration

2010-05-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Where have you gone? And why have you left rain in your wake?
If you could return soon that would be awfully splendid.

Smile often
Beth

Its all a bit un PC really

2010-05-16T00:37:00.001-07:00

OK so I have to address something here.
It isn't as important as people dying in 3rd world countries, I'm not questioning my roll in reducing poverty and I'm not giving u snippets into my life that I will then delete when I realise how public blogging is.
Its opinion time. Ill start with my 2 pet hates.

Firstly if you are above a size 14 please proceed to NOT do the following:

1. Wear tights as pants. Nobody wants to see that.

2. Dress like a 50's pinup girl. THEY WERE CURVACEOUS NOT OBESE! a bulge is not a curve people, say it with me now, A bulge is not a curve.

3. Take your clothes off and take pictures for the net. Just because your friend is studying photography, that doesn't make you a model.

4. come into my change rooms at Myer with a size 10 dress. Its not going to fit you and I don't want to have to go get you a size 12, and then 14 and then 16 and then have you leave because it "doesn't look right." Yes, the zip not doing up is never a good look is it dear.

5. Tell me how lucky I am that I can wear the clothes I do. It's awkward I don't know what to say, Yes I'm thinner then you but I wasn't going to point it out, did you really have to?

I feel I must take a moment here to say, I don't dislike overweight females, I have nothing against them as people, Just dress for your size and everyone's happy.

And secondly
If you are a male that has any interest in having a relationship with me please do NOT do the following:

1. Have a southern cross tattoo. Enough said.

2. Tell me I'm "prettier then Jessica Alba" Umm... NO, I'm really not. I'm completely OK with the fact that I'm not. EVERYONE ON THE PLANET KNOWS I'M NOT!! so lets all just be honest here.

3. Tell me how crap your ex girlfriend was. If you can say that about her, who knows what you'll say about me once we break up?

4. Tell me you love me after a week. No you don't, you don't know me after a week. I don't love you, you don't love me. Lets discuss this again in a few months time.

5. Tell me you want to marry me. I'm 21 so I'll save you some time, The answer is no!

6. Throw things at me. Especially a fork. (I threw that in just for kicks)

OK I'm glad I got those off my chest.

Smile often
Beth

Lessons on Hay street

2010-05-12T06:53:00.001-07:00

My mornings start with an alarm, a can of V and a pair of the biggest sunglasses I can get my hands on. I get cranky if I miss my train or forget my hair straightener. I barely talk to others unless I have to. A grunt is normally my choice of greeting before the hours of 10am.

His day starts with darkness. A struggle to find a white stick and a dog to take the lead. He can't see the sun I take for granted, his sunglasses arn't asthetic, there a shield to hide behind. Others barely talk to him unless they have to and I wonder what is worse, that he can't see people or that people choose not to see him?

smile often
Beth

Dear Self, (and whoever else thinks its worth taking in)

2010-05-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

Start a conversation. Ask questions then actually listen. Smile at a stranger. Hold the door open for a crowd, you're not as important as you think you are. Laugh, often and loudly, the uglier the better. Be passionate, you only live once so grab life by the hair and take it for all it's worth. Don't judge, it just makes you look petty. Always treat others as you would like to be treated. Never take someone at face value, people are always worth your time. Love people that have hurt you, love is a stronger weapon than hate. Let yourself know people, not just know of them but truly know them. Cut the crap, stop with the excuses and let yourself get lost in the music. Dance like an idiot, stop to smell the flowers and hug tight. Don't get caught up in materialism, it's not a cliche, what's on the inside really is what matters. Never block off your heart, its empty when not shared. Tell a joke, you're rather funny.

smile often
Beth

"BOO!"

2010-05-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Today at work I found a little lost girl. She was hiding in a rack of jeans and when I got down on my knees to say hi she jumped out and said "Boo"

I took her hand and lead her to her father who was absolutely beside himself with fear. I couldn't help but smile.

That little girl had no idea she was lost, She was having the time of her life in her cubby house of jag and guess.
I miss that childlike curiosity and wonder.
I miss a time before we had to worry about assignments and bills and money and relationships.
I miss a time when all you needed to be happy was a rack of jeans.
Myer became her playground and I was her best friend. I learn so much from children. They know what its all about. We all new how to relax once apon a time and then somewhere along the way we got lost.

Adult and child get seperated.
Adult freaks the hell out.
child finds an adventure.

I love it

smile often
Beth

Late night listing

2010-05-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

What I believe

I believe that every person should have a voice.

I believe that Jesus is the son of God.

I believe that trust should be earnt not given.

I believe that life is short and precious.

I believe we should seize the day.

I believe that love is a greater force then hate.

I believe that hope is a rare comodity.

I believe people are more important the things.

I believe forgiveness sets you free.

I believe beauty is found in imperfections.

I believe relationships arn't easy but there worth it.

I believe love conquers all.

I believe that no matter how much you get hurt you have to continue to love.

I believe that no matter how many times you fall you have to get back up.

I believe happiness is a choice

What makes me happy

security.passion.deep conversation.light banter.good books.touching movies.meeting unfamiliar people.smiling at a stranger.small children.fashion.being inspired.the beach at night.being understood.late night texting.falling in love.traveling.music.art.old peoples stories.that moment when you realise an acquaintance just became a friend.learning.alone time.hearing peoples stories.writting.engaging.watching.family.friends.helping people.sitting in driveways talking because you don't want to walk away just yet.chocolate.sushi.ice tea.frankie magazine.box sets.making a difference.discussions.seeing people achieve their goals.achieving my goals.late nights.poetry.documentaries.tickle fights.italian food.cuddles.debates.humour.looking at Russel Brand...

Sometimes I think its important to define what you believe and makes you happy. I want to focus on these things a little bit more. Especially the looking at Russel Brand bit.

smile often
Beth

Happiness is a choice

2010-05-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

and in a world where we dismiss the romanticised notion of true happiness

living instead in a rat race of "who's better then who"

and a back and forth of quick wit and well played jabs

it takes courage to be happy

Because this was all getting a bit to serious..

2010-05-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to the sun rising.. sounds poetic right?
It wasn't.
You see whilst the sun was rising through my window it was not the actual entity that caused me to come to consciousness. Instead it was the sound of my Alarm. Now I can't be sure of what the exact song is that wakes me up every morning at varying degrees of God awful hours because I acquired this phone from a friend and her music taste, for the most part, sucks. (I didn't name names so nobody should take offense.) but what I do know about the song is that at 6.30am, that song is the devil. Also until recently I didn't even know that 6.30pm had a morning version. As far as I knew it was a once a day occurrence that was reserved for dinner and A Current Affair. Thankfully the devil music corrected my ignorance and I'm now well aware of 6.30: Morning edition.

Many things go through my head in the few seconds after I am blasted back into reality from my slumber and most of them consist of more sleep and possible fake doctors notes. But, today I had a quiz and seen as I had missed my last one due to Perths great storm and my great knowledge of survival which caused me to pickup a pay phone knee deep in water and thus get electrocuted, I had no option but to get up and get my arse to uni before I fail my class. So I chose the second most desirable option for that moment.
I pressed snooze.
Because I just knew that in 5 minutes when my alarm went off again I would feel revitalised and ready to take on the day. Yes, 6.35 was definatly a more reasonable wake up call. As I turn over happy with my decision and problem solving abilities, I begin to drift back into sleep. Reality begins to mix with dreams when suddenly
*Insert terrible music here*
I can assure you that at 6.35 the song is still the devil and I still feel like death. Only now I have 5 minutes less time to straighten my hair, thus resulting in a half up do that sits somewhere between school girl and librarian. I'm late leaving the house which means breakfast consists of a V and I have to make the snap decision to run for the bus and risk being.. "that person that ran for the bus and missed it" or play it cool and rock up late to class and risk being.. "that person that missed two quiz's and failed the unit" I chose the first option because my fear of failure out ways my fear of embarrassment and It seems I made the right choice because I got on the bus, met the love of my life and we are now going steady.

..Not really but I did make it to class in time and I can assure you I still failed that quiz

Smile often
Beth

they'll say she changed that day

2010-05-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

So many decisions in my life are based on fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of failure.
Fear of what people will think.
Fear of what people will say.
Fear of how people will react.
Fear that I'm defective.
Fear that I'm just not enough.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to let it all go, Stop worrying about the future because the truth is that one day I'll be on my death bed and I will not regret so much the things I did as what I didn't do. I do not want to regret living my life in fear of other peoples opinions. I will dance for an audience of one, I will fight for justice and unashamedly live from my heart.

I don't care whats cool.
I don't care who likes me.
I'm not afraid anymore.
Who are you to judge me.

Smile often
Beth

without wit

2010-04-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I honestly wonder about the goodness in people,
I want to trust people. I want to believe that they are good. I want to believe that they will treat people how they want to be treated. I want to believe a lot of things..

But I dont.

The truth is that I have experienced far to many people that will lie, manipulate, use and abuse. Now this may be my own lack of judgment or my constant need to "fix" broken people but I have found that Im a complete pushover and end up getting hurt, a lot. I'm so afraid of hurting people or doing the wrong thing by people that I get walked all over.

I wonder, honestly if I'm the only person that lies awake and feels like shit when I'm horrible to someone. Is the only way to get ahead to stop caring?

I dont want to be cold, I really don't. But sometimes I feel like thats my only option. Survival of the fittest and all that jazz.

I wonder, can you really be happy if you always put others first?

This is just random thoughts fragmented by a tired mind and produced to you in the lamest of forms.

That is all

Smile often
Beth

If I could..

2010-04-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Write like Diablo Cody

Dress like Taylor Momsen

And date like Katy Perry

...I'd be a happy girl

Reality Check

2010-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

A Child.1 Kilometer from a feeding station in Sudan.Stops to rest while a Vulture waits

This photo was taken by Kevin Carter in 1993
It was published by The New York Times on March 26 1993
It won The Pulitzer prize for feature photography on May 23 1994

While this photo brought much needed awareness and in turn aid to the situation in Sudan, Kevin Carter never assisted the child to the feeding station

"The man adjusting his lens to take just the right frame of her suffering, might just as well be a predator, another vulture on the scene."
-The st Petersburg Times

Kevin Carter killed himself on July 27 1994

At what point do you stop being a Journalist and start being a Human?

Yesterday I got mad because the line at sizzler was to long for my liking
I make myself sick

Smile often
Beth

A walk to rememeber

2010-04-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

I live in a street that Kind of see's the extremes of Perth. You see at one end there is "The castle" and at the other end there is the Brisbane.. Enough said. Im joking.. Settle down.
The real difference is the full spectrum of wealth, As I walk to the bus stop, on my left there is an apartment block being built, a sign out the front is promising "New York Style Living" all for the starting price of $950,000.00. As a uni student who grew up in Thornlie, this is another world from the one I've known. Though to my right, not even 200 meters away is an even more foreign world. Sitting in the car park is a van with maybe 100 people swarmed around it, Their clothing is torn and dirty, their hair completely unkempt. Its a food van, you can see it any given Thursday giving out hot food to the most un pretty of Perth. Now I don't want to be to dramatic about the epiphany I had on the way to the bus stop and I do realise the many social and economical reasons for why us, as humans go in such different directions, Childhoods, Education, Substance abuse, Just plain bad luck.
But I wondered to myself if I was to approach them and ask them for their stories, take a moment from my busy little life to give a shit about someone else, I wonder if the stories wouldn't be to unlike my own, If maybe they too grew up in the suburbs, went to school, had friends, maybe even went to uni, but something, somewhere happened and they ended up here. Everybody likes to hear the stories of success, but what about the stories with the less then happy ending, we don't like to hear about those do we, it makes us uncomfortable, it questions the security of our own existence, we don't want to know that someone just like us could end up homeless because then that means it could happen to us to, so we push it under the rug, leave it to the religious people and the social workers to deal with, we shut our eyes and hope it will go away, but it wont.
And I just couldn't help being completely thrown, at one point we were all babies, We all had a good 80 years ahead of us, we had hopes and dreams and passions and some of us got lucky, we got the dream job, we made the big bucks and we bought "New york style living" apartments for a million dollars. But some of us never made it to the goal, shit happened, we found ourselves homeless and we ended up standing around a van waiting for maybe the only hot meal we will get that week. And some of us were just walking to the bus stop on the way to uni and receiving a bigger education in that walk then I did in a whole day of classes.

Ill leave you with that thought.

Smile often
Beth

nobody cares what your doing...

2010-04-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

OK so I don't want to completely abandon my generation or anything because we have produced some good things like, ghd's and Lily Allen...
But seriously guys we have some issues.
At what point did we trade in quality time for a macbook and friendship for an iPhone?(id like to thank Apple Macintosh for sponsoring this blog) We have become master keyboard warriors, every person standing on their own soap boxes pushing their points of view. We have become islands. Constantly connected to one another through twitter, facebook and text messages but never really connecting with each other in real or genuine ways.

We have to be contactable 24/7 and if were not we freak out, when I lose my phone (which happens more then I care to admit) I seriously fear I may actually die if I don't get a new one stat! The art of face to face socialising is going out the window and we are suffering because of it. We have more acquaintances and less friends. We network, we don't build relationships, its all about quantity over quality. A hundred people might text you for your birthday, or send you a facebook "wall post" but how many of them will show up if you needed them at 2am?

And beyond friendships, what is this doing to relationships? Once upon a time men showed up at the girls house with flowers, threw pebbles at windows and found time to write letter while being shot at in trenches. These days a boy (I say boy not man) sends a text and were supposed to swoon because prince charming could spare 12 seconds to press some buttons? and then after its all over you can press some more buttons and end the whole thing without having to deal with the awkward social interactions of breaking up. I hate to break it to all the deluded girls who get butterflies when their phone vibrates but "hey bby, ur hot wna catch up" is probably a group message...

I hate to think what my children will end up doing, they'll probably find a way to reproduce while not having to get off there xbox. I just think that maybe if we could make some time in our lives from all trying to have our own little empires, to actually engage with people, to switch off our phones, to actually listen to the person your talking to, to take note of the people around you instead of wondering who's going to sms you next, there would be a lot less depression, and a lot more joy. Like kids who are living so in the moment, engrossed in there conversations, captured by the butterfly flying past, blissfully unaware of what their friend from Sydney's status is at any given moment.

Im not bitter, I swear, Just painfully observant.

Smile Often
Beth

friends first

2010-04-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

This is a lil tribute to the people I hold dear

because I dont know many people who will let you cry your eyes out on their bed, pick you up off said bed, take your phone off you and take you for sushi and waffles to cheer you up after you break up with a boy (that they told you not to go back to in the first) FOR THE SECOND TIME IN 8 MONTHS and not once say

"i told you so."

I knew I had great friends but today
when I thought I couldnt smile.They made me laugh

and when I thought I couldnt be strong anymore they were for me

Theres nobody I'd rather do life with

Smile often

even when you cant do it on your own

Beth x

Breaking up 2.0

2010-04-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

So being that I'm your average 20yr old female, ive watched my friends and myself fall in and out of love, have flings, drop losers, give people second chances they never should have and the toughest of all, Break up. You watch as the city becomes a land mine, whole suburbs well up emotions and memories, suddenly your hiding photos that used to bring you comfort and getting mad that your favorite perfume reminds you of them.
Now I'm sure that breaking up has never been easy, people have been crying over lost love since the dawn of time but has anybody noticed how much cyber space has changed the entire social landscape of breaking up? You can do all the groundwork for success, delete their number, avoid obvious hangouts, ignore their phone calls or put your friends on phone watch the moment you have a sniff of alcohol, whichever the case may be.
But thanks to myspace, facebook and twitter, with the press of a button you can be bam smack in the middle of their social lives. Checking out the photos from the weekend, cross examining anyone of the opposite sex that writes on their wall, praying their twitter updates wont tell you they've just won lotto and whatever sucker lost them must be kicking themselves. Its like running into them in a club DAILY! How the hell are you expected to get over someone when your phone beeps you to update you on their lives? Why do we need that? society lasted centuries without being instantly contactable, without everyone having to know what everyone else is doing on a bi hourly basis.
Maybe a new part of the breakup rule book, along with staying away from sharp objects and excessive amounts of high calorie foods should be avoiding those sights for a little while, people can still ring you, we used to do that you know? Get another sex and the city box set to fill the time you would have spent with them, hibernate for a while with a bottle of wine, let the nights become mornings and your friends become family and then, when your ready get up, never look back and make a new social network, maybe even one where poking and following people is still considered offensive.

Smile often
Beth x

Never Forget

2010-03-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

So today I was going to write a bit of a rant about perth (you know to show the 4 people who read my blog how witty I am and such) However as I was going through my diary I found that I had written something much more important on this date last year... So my rant is just going to have to wait.

29/3/09
On a Day such as today I cannot help but stop. Take a moment and remember. force my subconscious to soak up every moment pent within this care facility. I refuse to let myself forget a thing. The way my grandma looked laying in that bed, her hair reduced to but a wisp, her body lacking not only mass but also energy. In a word she is beautiful. Not in the way the world describes beauty, but an effortless beauty that is not given by genetics but earned by a lifetime lived in sacrifice for others.
It is not the big things I fear I will forget, it is the little things, the seemingly insignificant moments. This seemingly insignificant moment. I fear that i will forget the way she held me around my neck, this dying frail womens iron grip that squeezed me tight. Taking with it my ability to stay in control. I fear I will forget the words that came from her mouth, The way she told me I was beautiful, she missed me, she will always love me. Never forget me she said, as every eye in the room ran with tears of stolen years. I fer I will forget the way her hand held mine as her fingers dug into her palm and arms pushed down in nervous movements and strained attempts to cover the pain. I fear I will forget the way I felt as though I would give my life to make hers worth living.
I will never be able to describe the deep sorrow that hit my stomach like a punch to the gut. The woman that lays before me taught me how to sew, taught me how to knit, taught me how to create. She encouraged my dreams without a hint of doubt and sat with me for hours playing make believe. We would ride the titanic, dress up in her clothes and jewelery, have tea with the fine china and sell play dough cakes to our customers of soft toys. And as make believe became real life and toys became boys she would always have time to sit, talk and make me feel like the only person in the whole wide world. Today as she lays before me, a fraction of the woman of her youth, I cannot help but feel the need to remember and promise myself I will never forget because soon it will be only memories that remain.

5 days after I wrote this Joyce Bracegirdle, my Grandma, confidante and friend died.

And I haven't Forgot

Exibitionalism

2010-03-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have found that my generation is prone to the dramatic. Everyone is a model, A photographer, a fashion designer or in a band. Everyones looking for their niche' everyones on myspace and facebook, everyones photos are photo shoped. Everyones faces caked with makeup, everyones angles just right.
Whats the latest fad? Quick follow it. Who's the latest band? Quick buy their ep. Whats the latest fashion? Quick be the first to have it. Everybodys asking the same question, Do you see me? When did looking happy become more important then beig happy? Im not judging, I play the game too, I am in no way superior, I am mearly observant. When did we decide to see someones value based on some elusive points system? When did we belittle friendship to being about music taste or clothing style or general appearance? When did we forget what matters most and choose instead to focus on the minors in life?
Even as I write this I am thinking of my audience, deciding what I should or shouldn't say based on who may read it. Wanting it to sound relevant and edgy. I want to be the kind of person who cares about people. Who always has time for them. Somebody without an agenda. Somebody real and approachable. Somebody who stops everything to help someone who can do nothing back for me. Somebody who doesn't care about all the lies and the popularity contest. Somebody who never values MY image over YOUR happiness.

Smile often
Beth

Just a thought, or 3..

2010-03-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Music
"Music isnt my life, I dont know much about it. But without music I wouldn't know much about my life." These rather profound words poped up on my phone as I opened a message from my close friend Dave. A rather beautiful moment of insight from a 21 year old mechanic.
The truth is he put words to something I had felt for a very long time. Music is powerful. It moves people, it seeps beneath the surface and touches the soul. It doesn't matter the genre, what Eminem does for some, slipknot may do for others. Its tells a story, my story, your story, our story. It doesn't wait to resolve, it just tells it like it is. It paints a picture of our lives, weaving lyric and melody together to say what we struggle to put words to. Going counter cultural and talking about the things society chooses to dance around. It doesn't judge, It doesn't try to fix anything. It asks questions even when it doesn't have any answers. It speaks of hurt even before the healing. It makes no judgment it just 'is'. Music doesn't choose its audience, it plays for whoever will listen. Music is just broken people speaking on behalf of broken people and letting us know where not alone in all of this. Music is present in the time of tears, in the time of celebration and almost everything in between. Music is the hug nobody else will give, the friend you always wanted and the voice you never had. "Music isn't my life, I don't know much about it but without it I wouldn't know much about my life."

Words
Whoever said words are just words was, for lack of a better word, a complete Jackass.
One only has to enter the room of any anorexic girl who was called fat in middle school, Speak to the woman who shot her husband after he called her a slut one to many times or look behind the counter at McDonald's where a boy stands who never went to college because his mum told him he would never amount to anything, to realize the power of words.
"Cancer" streaming from the lips of a doctor.
"I do" declared by a bride on her wedding day.
"Fight" chanted by a crowd of kids in a school yard.
All these words have power, Meaning, A voice, Placed to mark a moment. Words enable cults, start wars, change laws, create leaders. Words are the driving force behind almost everything. Words are never "Just words." This is why words are my chosen weapon. Words backed with actions, words backed with truth. Words of hope, rescue and healing. Words to go to war with shame, words to challenge insecurity, words to tell a story that just may be their story. Words that understand and when they don't understand, words to comfort. Words like im sorry, I see you, I care, I love you, What happened to you was wrong.
Words like your beautiful, your worth every minute, your smart, your ok just the way you are.
Words spoken at 3am, words spoken in gutters, words written in books, words published to tell the story of a generation that knows all to well how to use words and all to little about the lasting effect of everything we say.

Pictures.
Pictures speak what we cannot say. They don't bother with engaging our intellect, they go straight to the heart. Engaging our emotions and causing us to respond almost instantly.
Artists, photographers and advertisers have know this forever. We respond to images in a completely different way. Tears come quicker, hope rises, beauty screams out and truth engages.
When we hear of the atrocities of war we feel for them, we know its bad, know its sad, but when we see images suddenly it becomes real, suddenly we engage, suddenly we cannot not feel.
Images dont need a book, they tell you everythig you need to know in a moment, like a punch of letters straight to the face. Images make us ask questions, daring us to seek more. Images are powerful. o this day everybody still wonders what the Mona Lisa's coy smile was really all about. Images surpass history, the art from as early as cave drawings is still spoken about and recognizable today. Images tell us what we cannot say in words. Images complete the picture, pardon the pun.
What if we were to give the pen back to people? Bringing out the beauty in each of them and displaying it for the whole world to see. Telling them that the faces to their stories are powerful. That without them the picture would be incomplete.
Their images would serve as a diverse portrait of the landscape of current society. The most different of people that are still so very much the same. Showing the world the beauty that comes in every shape, size and colour. Skin clear or adorned with metal and ink. Hair flowing naturally or stolen from chemo. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Essentially this is the backbone of dreams.. Dreams that these things may one day be tools to rebuild, revamp and recreate the ideas of normal.

Dont get it? You will...

Smile often
Beth x

Bandwagons, Deadlines and Highwaisted skirts.

2010-03-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Though I do realise I’m merely stating the obvious, I must inform you that it has come to my attention that blogging is no longer the way of the future, but a way of the present, and at the speed that life seems to rage along these days, I’m sure it will soon be the way of the past.

So with that, much in the same way that I gave in to high waisted skirts and spent my parents hard earned money on a Mac, I have fought the trend for long enough and have finally decided to take my spot on the blogging bandwagon.

And so she wrote…

Because I am a Journalist major and creative writing student I suppose this will be a place in which I can write without a code of ethics, without the fear of correct referencing and without the deadlines that can often make me wonder how creative a piece can be when forced into a box of 1200 words and due in week 7 (A hypothetical I swear) A diary of sorts, not to tell a story but to ask questions, comment on quirks and express views. Which are no more or less valid then anybody else'.

Smile Often

Beth