she...

She sits silently, pen poised.
You can see it in her eyes,
the tension, the mystery, the truth.

With an army of letters called to attention on the page before her,
it suddenly seems all too possible,
that if the right words could find their way into the right minds,
then just maybe mere ink could change the world.

Wakeup call

"And I will never require more or ask you to change because my biggest fear is that if I threatened to leave you wouldn't try to stop me"

I wrote this sentence in my diary 2 years ago. This sentence sums up the past 3.5 years of my life. For almost 3 years I put up with a boy who would call me names, leave me on highways, throw forks at me, threaten to kill himself when he needed me and ignore me when I needed him.

After finally getting out I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I promised myself I would be strong and walk away at the first signs of a man treating me badly. I promised myself that I would live as an example to girls younger than me and girls I long to see set free. I promised myself I would never again fear being alone.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to require more.

27 million people on planet earth are in slavery TODAY; Being used for cheap manual labour, factory work and sex. Girls as young as 3 are being sold into the sex trade by mothers who can't afford to feed their families.

25 thousand people die from hunger EVERY DAY; think how long you would have to go without food to actually die from it, now think about the last time you threw food in the bin because you were "full" or it was "gross."

2 in 3 people don't have access to clean drinking water; That's the free stuff that comes from our taps, all treated and ready to drink, you know the stuff we stand mindlessly bathing in for an hour in the morning because it's waking us up?

11 million children do not live to see their fifth birthday because of completely PREVENTABLE diseases; The kind of diseases you and I have all suffered from and survived with little more than a course of antibiotics.

While I sit at home stressing about how a boy is or isn't treating me or worried about weather he will or wont call, or willing to drop everything to spend Friday night with him, I am completely ignoring the deepest call of my heart, the call to help people.

I know I need to be strong, if not for me then for all the people I can't effect while I am continuously wondering if I'm enough.

My prayer tonight is that I don't fear the unknown, but step into it.. even if that means I have to be alone.

Note: I write this not in some narcissistic attempt to rise above, I write this in hope that someone else who is looking for the strength to be strong may see this and feel like maybe they do have what it takes to stand up and say enough is enough.

It's going to be okay

There are so many emotions running through my head right now that I cannot put words to, held together by a strange feeling of peace. I have not shed a tear, I have not run away to forget, I have sat and processed and written and hoped and dreamed about my future. I have accepted that sometimes you cannot change things and sometimes it is nobody's fault.

People are not characters, They are not one or even two dimensional. They are real and fractured and amazing and terrible and honest and untruthful and beautiful and ugly and capable of hurting, healing, helping and haunting. People are, ultimately, undefinable.

It scares me how quickly things can change, it scares me how people can be the very essence of your every day life and then, in a matter of months, weeks, days, hours or minutes, can be completely gone, leaving nothing but jilted memories and happy snap shots in their wake.

The truth is that there are no black hats or white hats, no good guys or bad guys, just 6 billion people trying to get by with as little pain as possible. Along the way we bump, or crash into each other and all of us leave casualties. The truth is that none of us are completely guilty or completely innocent and the even bigger truth is that you, and I, will be okay.

This too shall pass..

On Monday night I sat in my then Boyfriends car thinking, in general, about all kinds of things in the world.
A big question of mine revolved around the issue of trust. You see the world is this big scary place with no guarantees to it, at any moment you could get hit by lightning or struck down with Cancer or wonder to far away and get lost in the bush. Each day we go out into this big scary world with nothing to hold onto but trust. Trust that people will do the right thing by you. Trust that they will do what they say they will or not do what they say they wont. All we have is trust.
What happens when that trust is broken?
When somebody promises you something and doesn't deliver or promises they will never do something and then does it?
What if someone tells you they love you and want to marry you and then they walk away without even a goodbye or a reason.
What happens to trust then?

Suddenly the world seems a whole lot more scary than it did in that car on Monday.

We all have a story

I take public transport. I work in the CBD of a capital city and I live in one of the lowest economical areas in said city. Needless to say I meet people with stories every day.


A week ago I met a man on the train, he smelt of alcohol and marijuana and I really didn't want him to sit next to me, he did. He asked me how far it was until his stop, I told him and looked the other way (We like to do that don't we) As each stop passed he would ask again and again when his stop was, finally he told me that his mother had died a few days earlier, I felt like such a terrible person.
"I got a new suit for the funeral" he said with his head bowed, "I look rather handsome in it" he added with the hint of a smile.
He got off at his stop and told me to have a good day.


That man has a story.


Across the road from my work a girl sits everyday with a sign asking for people to spare a coin, her head is always facing down as her eyes scan the ground, she is one of the sadest looking people I have ever seen. I always try to give her something, even if people tell me she will only spend it on drugs.


That girl has a story.


Tonight marked the end of the world vision 40 hour famine, a man spoke about some of the atrocities happening all around the world, from famine to human trafficking and the small things we can do to help.


Every one of those people has a story.




But is anyone listening?


It makes me sad that I live in a world surrounded by peers who can talk for hours about TV shows, music and clothes but the moment you bring up poverty, slavery, homelessness, depression, or the thoughts you have about helping, everyone shifts on their chairs and smiles at you with a wisp of pity that you should be so naive as to think you could ever help. My generation walks around, far too aloof and cool to say what matters.


I don't know if I am alone, if I am the only 22 year old that lays awake at night stressing that I'm going to live and die and the world will be no different from my time here. It has occured to me that I live in a society that tells you to
"look out for number one"
"put yourself first"
"make as much money as you can"
"cut down tall poppies"
"protect yourself at all costs"
"Survival of the fittest"
It breaks my heart to watch people compete with each other instead of truely wanting the best for the people around them, is the only way to get ahead to just stop caring about others? I have never gotten my head around this.


Call me naive, but I would be happy on minimum wage (which would still be so much more than most people in the world) if I knew I could wake up everyday and help people.
I'm sorry but I just don't care about having a fancy house or a new car or a 6 figure salary. I try to care, because I know that's what we're supposed to do but the truth is I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!


There are all these beautifully broken people in the world with these amazing stories that nobody gets to hear because we have labeled them "drunks" or "homeless" or "dirty" or "third world" it makes me wonder if people really don't care or if we are all just too scared to talk about whats really on our hearts because we feel as though our ideals will fall on deaf ears.


The truth is that I am the problem. I am the problem because I spent $190 on a cardigan that doesn't even keep me warm, when that same money, in the right hands, could give a family in Africa the means to make an income to support them for life, or give a single mother in a homeswest house her rent for the week, or buy the soup and bread for a soup kitchen to feed a few hundred people.


There is 6 billion people on the planet and I can only manage to conjure up enough thought for one...


I don't care what anyone says, that's not how it was meant to be.

An apology of sorts

I was brought up in a christian home. A very christian home. A "my dad was a pastor of a church until I was 9" christian home.
I went to a christian school from year one to year twelve, I wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons let alone Southpark, I was told off for saying shut up and didn't even know a four letter word beginning with F existed.
I was brought up in a very christian home.

During my late teens I rebelled a bit and became hugely embarrassed by how little I knew about the big wide world. I wanted nothing more than to fit in with all these cool people I'd meet at shows who weren't from "very christian homes." I pierced every orifice in my face, I wore skinny jeans and had clip in blue extensions. (I wasn't allowed the real thing at my school... what are you crazy?) I listened to super hardcore bands like The used and simple plan and sometimes I'd even..like..get drunk. I know right!

It's funny how things change..

Today I still have a few tattoos and I'll probably get more, I dress however I want and listen to whatever I want, even if it isn't cool (Kesha, we're talking about you here). I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not in any way hardcore, I'm innocent, I don't use swear words because they still feel wrong on my tongue, I don't think pornography or graphic violence is ok for anyone to be watching, I have never taken illegal substances and am still shocked every time someone mentions them in casual conversation as though everyone does it, and if you tell me you lost your virginity at 14 my response will be sympathy because frankly I find that heart breaking.

I used to hate my upbringing and loath that my parents brought me up in a bubble, but now I treasure it. I'm glad I was still playing with barbies with my little sister when I was 12, I'm glad I didn't watch an MA movie until I was 15, I'm glad I was sweet 16 and never been kissed, I'm glad I didn't taste alcohol until I was 17, I'm glad I grew up not knowing what sex or violence looked like and I'm glad that my parents cared enough about me that they took the road less traveled to keep me from growing up to fast.

Once upon a time I would have said I'd never raise my kids as strictly as my parents raised me but now I only hope that I have the guts to do exactly that.

Rant

So I kind of feel like my mother is disappointed with me. Don't worry this isn't going to be a "perfect" by simple plan moment. I love my mother, I really, really, really do but she is very old fashioned and I think I may scare her. You see she assumes I must not be happy because I am single, or that something is missing in my life because my facebook status doesn't say "in a relationship." Every time somebody gets engaged or married or even starts dating she is like "ohh that will be you soon." On my 21st birthday she even gave me a wedding barbie, saying that this will be the next thing we celebrate. SHE WANTS GRANDKIDS!

Okay I get it, you want me to be happy, what mother doesn't want that for their daughter but what if my idea of happy isn't to be married with 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs by the time I'm 25. I'm not saying there is anything in the world wrong with this, I think it's amazing and lovely and I do hope to settle down and get married... One day. But not today, today I am 21 years old, I want to volunteer as much as I can, write as much as I can, study as much as I can, travel as much as I can. I want to lose myself in being young and loving God and putting every ounce of energy I have into a cause that makes everything suddenly matter. I've never wanted a 9-5. I've never wanted to settle down early. I've never wanted that and it seems like she was fine with that until I hit 21, when suddenly I was ment to be in some sort of committed relationship with a promise ring.

You see my mum was married by the time she was 21, my dad was 18. They had a house, they went to work, they came home and they made dinner, my dad was a pastor, my mum a carer, they had 2 children and they sent them to a private school. I love my parents, but I don't want their life. I want my own life, I want to go on adventures, I want to help people, I wan't to keep injustice firmly in my sight so I never get complacent about it. I know I cant save the whole world but I would just feel like it was such a waist if I didn't spend every day trying and so far that hasn't meant being with a significant other. I think my mum finds this hard to understand, I think she assumes I must be unhappy... It's hard enough being the only one at family gatherings riding solo without my well intentioned mother wanting to give me some pep talk about how "the right guy is out there" I KNOW THIS! I wasn't worried until everyone started treating me like my singleness was a disease that needed to be cured.

So mother, yes I am single, yes I have tattoos, yes I am 21 and STILL want to change the world. I know you thought I would grow out of it all and I know you'd like me to have a more simple goal in life but I don't and if that means that I have to spend Christmas on the kids table for a few extra years then I'm ok with that, I wish you would be too.

Smile often
beth