I want out

As I sit here on a Sunday night looking at blogs from people all around the world I can't help but be drawn to the concept of change. I have been alive for 22 years and have only left my country three times. I keep dreaming up these adventures I want to go on, places I want to see, people I want to encounter and yet I haven't done any of it.

I always promised myself I wouldn't trade in my big crazy dreams for a 9-5 and a house in the suburbs and as I start to get older I begin to wonder... Is that exactly the path I'm heading down?

I don't want mediocre. I want to eat too much pasta in Rome, go ice skating in central park, study ancient relics in Egypt, help rebuilt buildings and lives in Haiti, see a live band at the The Viper Room in Hollywood, catch a fashion show in Milan, pay respect at the battlefields and museums of ww11. I want to stay up all night discussing literature with someone who completely disagrees with me, make documentaries about the lives of people who's stories are more powerful than mine, stay on couches of kind strangers who don't speak any familiar language besides kindness. I want to go somewhere where I can still get lost and I don't already know someones cousin the first time I meet them.

You only get this one life, 100 years if your lucky, and we're young, so why does society make us think we want to buy a little piece of land so we can build ourselves a comfortable little box where we can close our eyes or switch the TV station any time we see something that makes us uncomfortable.

What if you didn't play by the rules? What if you dared to pursue what you really want, not what your parents want, or your partner wants, or the bills require you to do, but what you really wanted when you were still young enough to believe anything was possible.

Live that life. The rest can wait.

And the truth is, that if you go and follow your heart you will come back with so much more to offer to the people you left behind.

Just one more pair of shoes

I talk a lot of shit.
Read this blog and you would think I was the next mother Theressa. It is filled to the brim with my thoughts on saving the world, helping the lost find their way, handing out healing to the broken, speaking on behalf of the silent. But the truth is, I just talk a lot of shit.

It has been said that the devils greatest weapon is not to get us into any great evil but instead to keep us distracted. I know that personally I waist so much time, I focus so much energy on things that just don't matter. I can speak of wanting to do great things, write great books, change the planet, feed the hungry but it is all just words as long as I m too caught up stalking people on Facebook, drinking cider or tea with my friends and spending all my money on shoes.

I wish I knew exactly what had to change but the truth is I don't think it's something I can figure out with another night of self analyzing or trolling tumblr for just the right inspirational quote. I think the only real way any of this will change is when I start actually doing all the things I talk about doing. The unimportant will fade away as I spend time engrossed in the important.

You see, distractions only come when you are idol, when your life is lacking, when you feel lost. Once we start walking in the things we are truly passionate about, spending our time and money investing in things that are close to our heart then the trivial will make its way into the peripheral of our hearts where it was always meant to be.

The truth is that deep in my heart, under all the makeup and the shoes and the insecurities, I completely believe in the importance of every persons life. I am totally convinced that every persons voice deserves to be heard and every story is powerful. I believe that if every person lived being true to themselves and following their dreams the world would be a richer place. Every piece of my body aches to see people realise their potential and yet somewhere along the way I got lost.

I got scared, scared that if I offer the things that are deepest within me, the skills that are closest to my heart, the dreams that are uniquely mine, that they will not be enough, that I will find that there is nothing special about me and then I am left vulnerable for rejection. Not only rejection I can control, not a rejection of the exterior, but a rejection of the heart.

What if I offered everything that I had and the world rejected it?

Where do you go from there?

I'm tired of being afraid, I'm tired of settling for the status-quo, I'm tired of having so much in me and yet settling for less. The only thing standing between my life now and the life of my dreams is me and my stupid fear.

All I know is I don't want to stand in front of a child when I finally get my act together and have them ask me "why didn't you come sooner?"
And to have to reply with "I really wanted another pair of shoes."

The year that was

As the year draws to an end and the Christmas tree's go up, "what are you doing this weekend" is replaced with "what are you doing for new years eve" and I cannot help but reflect. This year my life has completely changed in pretty much every way.
It's funny because I didn't really realise that it is happening, it's not like the year you graduate school or the year you turn 21, it was more subtle, unmarked with celebration or ritual, but just as dramatic when you look back.

In some ways this time of year will always be the same. This time last year I was spending time with family, putting up the tree, going to see Christmas lights, buying present for my friends and a boy, working hard in retail and relaxing before the start up of uni again. In these ways my life is pretty much exactly the same, but all the details are different.

I am no longer speaking to, let alone buying presents for, the people that I was last year.

The friends I had then who I would have very easily put money on being in my life forever no longer want anything to do with me, after many tears and failed attempts to bridge a gap I have let them go, realising that some things you just can't fix. I still don't know what really happened or why I was exiled from their friendship but I wish them all the best a pray that life is kind to them. As hard as the loss was I have looked around and not only found out that I had so many friends around me already who I had neglected but also I made room for new friends, new experiences, letting people in that I wouldn't have in the little bubble I had created for myself. I have re-evoked friendships that I had let slip by the way side and I have made some of the best friends in the past year. A year ago I would have told you I would not be able to go on without the friends I had but after mourning the loss and picking myself back up I have realised that not only can I go on but I think I am happier, more myself and more free of judgment then I have felt in a long time.

The boy that I was buying presents for is no longer in my life, which is something I never thought I would have had the guts to do, replaced... no upgraded by a boy who makes me feel like the only girl in the room. He puts up with my tantrums, dries my tears when crying over friends, tells me I'm beautiful first thing in the morning and goes to battle to defend me and try to fix things for me. I have stopped making plans for me and started making plans for us, the idea of forever with just one person doesn't scare me anymore and in so many more ways than he knows he has loved me back to emotional health from the wreck I was after my last relationship. He is nothing like I thought I would ever go for and yet he is everything that I needed. If you had of told me this time last year that I would meet a boy who would teach me to trust again, remind me that I am beautiful and call me on my shit whilst still having the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen I would have laughed at you, but somehow it has happened and I don't take a minute of it for granted.

I still work in retail but I now work in a job that I love with people that I adore and a discount on shoes that has created somewhat of a monster. I realise how many people hate their job and so I count myself lucky that I don't dread my long hours of getting paid to hang out with some of my best friends and try on pretty things. Likewise I am still waiting for uni to start but a different major in something I never thought I would be smart enough to get into, psychology, whilst still keeping my passion as a second major in english and creative writing. I am so excited at the prospect of spending my life helping people make their lives better and coming along side people who may have been on a similar journey to me.

Finally in November of this year I did something I have wanted to do for so many years; I visited an orphanage in a third world country, I met some of the most inspirational people. The workers who give their lives to look after these children and the children who have nothing and yet dream of doing great things with their lives. It humbled me and gave back bone to the shit I used to talk about helping people, when I myself had done nothing. It started a love affair to go to more places, see more things and keep injustice firmly in my sight so I can never become complacent about poverty or peoples needs in general.

I guess the reason I share this is to say that no matter where you find yourself this Christmas, no matter how you feel or how hopeless your situation may seem, sometimes all you have to do is hold on, wait out the storm and see whats waiting on the other side. The light you struggle to see at the end of the tunnel may be more than daylight, it may be the answer to your questions, the first steps of your dreams and the warmth of the love you have been waiting for. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes you have to hit the bottom and lose everything you held onto before you can be free to appreciate how great life can be.
All in all I am the happiest I can remember being, where I was lost and without direction last year, 12 months has brought me so much clarity and new opportunities. I have amazing friends who make me laugh until I can't breath, an amazing boyfriend who buys me teapots, an amazing job and an exciting new course I'm about to start.

I am so excited to see what 2012 has to bring, I don't know if it can top 2011 but maybe a trip to Europe can help... (talkin' to you Spyra)

smile often
Beth x

Life

We only get one life and it is slipping away one minute at a time so stop wasting yours chasing big houses, fast cars and nice clothes.

Live the life you were born to live, the life your 10 year old self dreamed of for their future.
Stop complicating it. Get over yourself, you can't take your title with you.
Let go of the things holding you back, say goodbye to those that abuse you and embrace those that life has abused.
Share meals with the ones you love and order more than a salad.
Leave the house, heck leave the country, the magic exists just outside your comfort zone.
Read often, never stop learning, ideas are precious and you are nowhere near as smart as you think you are.
Love people, you may get hurt half of the time but you will get hurt every time if you never let yourself love anyone and when someone does hurt you: Forgive, you don't know their story so who are you to judge.
Stand up for what you believe in. Speak when you want to be silent, dance when you want to sit it out. Take time for people when you're busy with stuff.
Live from your deepest passion, even when people say you can't do it. No, especially when people say you can't do it.
Stop asking if people are making you happy and start asking how you can make people happy and if you aren't happy with something, change it.

Life was meant to be lived, not just survived because none of us are getting out alive.

she...

She sits silently, pen poised.
You can see it in her eyes,
the tension, the mystery, the truth.

With an army of letters called to attention on the page before her,
it suddenly seems all too possible,
that if the right words could find their way into the right minds,
then just maybe mere ink could change the world.

Wakeup call

"And I will never require more or ask you to change because my biggest fear is that if I threatened to leave you wouldn't try to stop me"

I wrote this sentence in my diary 2 years ago. This sentence sums up the past 3.5 years of my life. For almost 3 years I put up with a boy who would call me names, leave me on highways, throw forks at me, threaten to kill himself when he needed me and ignore me when I needed him.

After finally getting out I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I promised myself I would be strong and walk away at the first signs of a man treating me badly. I promised myself that I would live as an example to girls younger than me and girls I long to see set free. I promised myself I would never again fear being alone.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to require more.

27 million people on planet earth are in slavery TODAY; Being used for cheap manual labour, factory work and sex. Girls as young as 3 are being sold into the sex trade by mothers who can't afford to feed their families.

25 thousand people die from hunger EVERY DAY; think how long you would have to go without food to actually die from it, now think about the last time you threw food in the bin because you were "full" or it was "gross."

2 in 3 people don't have access to clean drinking water; That's the free stuff that comes from our taps, all treated and ready to drink, you know the stuff we stand mindlessly bathing in for an hour in the morning because it's waking us up?

11 million children do not live to see their fifth birthday because of completely PREVENTABLE diseases; The kind of diseases you and I have all suffered from and survived with little more than a course of antibiotics.

While I sit at home stressing about how a boy is or isn't treating me or worried about weather he will or wont call, or willing to drop everything to spend Friday night with him, I am completely ignoring the deepest call of my heart, the call to help people.

I know I need to be strong, if not for me then for all the people I can't effect while I am continuously wondering if I'm enough.

My prayer tonight is that I don't fear the unknown, but step into it.. even if that means I have to be alone.

Note: I write this not in some narcissistic attempt to rise above, I write this in hope that someone else who is looking for the strength to be strong may see this and feel like maybe they do have what it takes to stand up and say enough is enough.

It's going to be okay

There are so many emotions running through my head right now that I cannot put words to, held together by a strange feeling of peace. I have not shed a tear, I have not run away to forget, I have sat and processed and written and hoped and dreamed about my future. I have accepted that sometimes you cannot change things and sometimes it is nobody's fault.

People are not characters, They are not one or even two dimensional. They are real and fractured and amazing and terrible and honest and untruthful and beautiful and ugly and capable of hurting, healing, helping and haunting. People are, ultimately, undefinable.

It scares me how quickly things can change, it scares me how people can be the very essence of your every day life and then, in a matter of months, weeks, days, hours or minutes, can be completely gone, leaving nothing but jilted memories and happy snap shots in their wake.

The truth is that there are no black hats or white hats, no good guys or bad guys, just 6 billion people trying to get by with as little pain as possible. Along the way we bump, or crash into each other and all of us leave casualties. The truth is that none of us are completely guilty or completely innocent and the even bigger truth is that you, and I, will be okay.