Friday, October 1, 2010

In the midst

Sometimes the reality of everything hits me like a tone of bricks.
I feel as though I cannot breathe. I shake. I stop. I wonder what it all means.
I doubt.
I doubt my abilities. I doubt my looks. I doubt my personality. I doubt my future.
I fear.
I fear my inadequacy. I fear my insecurities. I fear my weaknesses. I fear my future.
I cry.

I know this is the part where I'm meant to tell you something amazing happens and I realise that I have to believe in myself and hope for the best and love with abandon, because that's how it goes right? Every story has a lesson. Every fable, a moral? Every fairytale, a happy ending?

Sometimes though we forget to document the journey. The story in the middle, before the climax. Before the hero shows up. Before we feel better.

I so believe that these secrets are walls that keep us alone. We fear the vulnerability. We dont tell the story until it is resolved. We don't speak in the midst.

Tonight I am in the midst. Tonight I don't have all the answers. Tonight it is dawning on me that this is not a dress rehearsal for my life. This is my life and I only get one.
What am I going to do with it?
What am I already doing with it?

I know deep down that tomorrow the sun will rise and I will feel OK again. I know that the worries that tend to fill the room at the wee hours will fade into the background as the noise of the morrow keeps my fragile mind occupied.

I also know that there is more. That the world does not change because I chose to see it one way or the other.

I know all this but tonight I'm in the midst and you know what? That's OK.

smile often