Alone but not lonely

Since I have been 19 I have not been single. I mean, my relationship status has read single and I'd go solo to 21st most of the time but I have not really been single.

For 3 years I was consumed by a dramatic relationship that would be all expensive presents and crazy declarations of love one minute, self esteem crippling manipulations and volatile fights the next minute and cold silences for weeks on end the next minute.

It built me up only to break me down and even though we were off far more than we were on, it was still an all consuming relationship that left me little time to even think about moving on.

Finally I did. I fell in love again.

For the past 10 months, since the 20th of April 2011, I have been with someone who I truly believe loved me in the best possible way that he knew how and the truth is that I think I may have hurt him really badly, which was never my intention. Everyone told me that if I stood up and required more, looked after myself and had the guts to walk away when I was hurting, that I would feel empowered and in the long run, I would be happier.

But nobody told me about the guilt.

Nobody told me how bad it feels to hurt someone, to watch them go from loving you to hating you in the blink of an eye. Nobody told me that I would hold back tears at random intervals of the day just because something happened that I wanted to tell him about only to realise that if I was to text him he wouldn't reply.

Nobody told me how alone I would feel, knocking around in this big old world alone not knowing what was coming next, or who would be the next one to hold my hand, or my heart for that matter.

Nobody told me of the nights I wouldn't sleep, so worried that I had done the wrong thing and hurt everyone for no reason. I pray that he will forgive me. I pray that I will forgive myself. I pray that he can one day smile at the thought of me and know that I never meant to hurt him.

This is the first time in 4 years that I have been completely alone. I'm trying my best not to be lonely.

Shots!

Someone once told me that girls are like alcohol.
"bare with me." he said.
"Most girls" he continued "are like vodka cruisers but you are like straight vodka, a lot harder to take, but a lot more intoxicating."
Some people might take offense to this but I certainly didn't.
I don't ever want to be the sugary counter piece to the real deal. I don't want to be sweet on the tongue but never quite strong enough to have any affect.
When I was told this, I knew that I knew who I was, I was so sure of my future, so unfazed by anything trivial. I wasn't afraid of what people thought, or if I was desired. I was who I was and if you didn't like it, switch to bourbon.

Time changes things.

I fell in love, I wanted to be cool, I gave pieces of myself away, let my resolve be diluted by the desires of others, molded my beliefs to fit more comfortably with the beliefs of the people I so longed to love and accept me.
Each year went by and slowly over time more and more 'flavours' (if you will allow me to continue with the metaphor) were added and less and less of me was left.
I wish I knew how to get that girl back, the head strong no nonsense girl who didn't need anyone to tell she was worth while, the little girl who would stand up for what she believed in.

And if you asked her what her dreams were she would sit you down and take the stars from the sky, one by one explaining how possible the impossible was for her future, and yours as well, and when you were done looking in her eyes of hope and wonder you would feel a buzz, not so unlike a shot of Vodka.