Within

Within you is an ideal, a voice of youth and a promise of achievement still to come.
Within your hands are special gifts and talents.
Within your mind is the source of your dreams.
Within you is the strength to carry your dreams to completion.
Within your heart is the desire to meet the world on your own terms.
You are strong, you are wise, you have a dream.
You have a spirit, you have confidence; you have faith.
You are your own person and you always will be.
Within you is something so precious and rare.
Within you is the promise of the future.

- Im pretty sure I didn't write this. I'm not that good of a writer. It was in my diary without a source so I may have, but I have a feeling its an excerpt from a book. Either way I love it.

THIS!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children do. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presents automatically liberates others.

- Martin Luther King

For my generation

I wrote this poem to my teenage self but as I wrote it I realised it was not just for me, It was for every girl that is lost today. Every girl who never had someone to tell them it would all be ok

little girl it's ok to cry
who told you it was wrong?
little girl why don't you sing
what happened to your song?
little girl no need to starve
we have a plentiful of food
little girl no need to swear
why is your mouth so crude?
little girl don't run away
there is a home here for you.
little girl I see your hurting
there's no need to pretend.
little girl I see your hurting
I know a God who mends.

with all my bruises and scars
I try to stumble in your direction
How can this broken body
be in the image of your perfection
your sinless hands and feet
were slowly nailed to a tree
your body was beaten and broken
for the likes of someone like me
again and again I run
from the arms that are my home
and still you come searching
you never make me do it alone
so I will live my today
seeking out your face
and live my life in light
of this amazing grace

A poem

I wrote this poem in 2007 about the day I gave my life to the lord when I was 4 years old during communion. It is a story of hope, love, father and daughter. It is a story about a big God who loved me so much he died for me and a father who loved me to much not to tell me about it.

Daddy take my hand,
we can talk to the lord.
I'll climb onto you lap,
tell me the tales he told.
What does the cup mean daddy,
Why am I drinking his blood?
Why do we get crackers daddy,
Does his body taste good?
I think I like this Jesus daddy,
he reminds me of you.
So you say he loves me daddy,
even more than you do?
What does it mean to pray daddy,
must I be on my knees?
I want to meet this Jesus daddy,
can you help me please?
So you say he is my daddy now,
can I still have you too?
Now I have two daddy's,
my father God and you.

I said: why me lord?
You said: why not you?
I said: I am broken.
You said: this is true.
I said: choose another.
You said: why?
I said: she is better.
you said: That's a lie.

And then you said something I didn't expect
you said: my child I love you and you deserve only the best
and so I said, not knowing where to start,
Lord I need you, come into my heart.
and you replied with tears in your eyes,
Child I have been waiting for you since the day I died

it's not just for bumper stickers

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

How many times have you heard the cliche "God loves you" weather it be from your friendly local pastor or the crazy guy on the street, we have all heard it time and again, were almost desensitized to it. It loses all meaning. But let me break this down for you.. God loved you so much that he sent his only son to die for you. DIE. Now I am pretty convinced that God is a smart guy, all seeing all knowing and all that jazz, so when he decides to do something as drastic as putting up his own son for death he must have some pretty solid logic behind it.

I have a heart condition, and have had 3 open heart surgeries to date and I can tell you one thing I have learnt from the large amount of time I have spent in hospital throughout my life (besides the fact that the food quality is somewhere up there with dog food) and that is this, it hurts my parents a million times more than it hurts me. I remember once I was getting a needle into my lung to drain some fluid and my dad was holding my hand, he went so white watching me in pain as I yelled about ducks and ships, or something to that affect, he was so upset that the medical staff asked him if he needed to leave the room to compose himself. I didn't cry that day. My dad did. And that was just a needle. I have watched my parents hurt over me so much more than I could ever physically hurt.

At Calvary God had to watch his son go through a million times more pain than I have ever had to endure. Any parent can only imagine the pain you would feel having your some come to you and say "Dad, please take this cup from me, but not my will be done but yours." Just like if I had said to my dad the night before my operation "Dad please don't let it happen" I can't even imagine what that would do to him. Then after watching his son go through all that torture, being despised and nailed onto a cross left to die in one of the cruelest forms of execution history has known, God had to look away. It would be like my dad having to leave that room white faced with tears in his eyes as I cried out "Why have you forsaken me." To watch your son not only go through physical torture but then to leave him completely alone in the moment when he needs you most is more pain than I can imagine.

God, being the all knowing father that he is would not have done this if there wasn't a strong reason behind his madness. In the midst of all this pain, watching his son slowly die and leaving him in it all alone he knew that, you know what, this hurts, this breaks my heart,

but the pain of spending eternity without you would be so much worse.
That is how much God loves you.

A prayer for Kira

Lord take her little broken heart
that cannot find the way
Lord hold it in your mighty hands
and protect her each new day
Lord send her smiles to give her hope
of the life she will one day lead
Lord send her kisses with the rain
to water her destinys seed
Lord send her friends to guide her path
into the masters house
Lord whisper to her heart and soul
to leave some people out
Lord tell he of your love for her
so that she may see
that you have only good things planed
even though she can't yet see
And lord I pray one last thing
before I say amen
clothe her in strength and dignity

and be with her till the end

Checking in

I can't believe it is February all ready. I have neglected this blog so much lately but I am going to be better. Spend more time on it. Hopefully this will be easier given that I will be back at uni and thus spending a lot more time on my phone.

I'm begining a new course (Double degree in Arts majoring in creative writing, minoring in English/communications majoring in Journalism) this year which I am super excited about. Especially super excited to go into it minus the boy drama of the past 2.5 years. I'll be writing so much so I will have so much to post.

I have a heart appointment on the 18th of this month, which is good because it will give me some more information about where that is all heading.

And finally, I deactivated my Facebook page yesterday, I know right.. It just felt right for now, head space etc. So much drama on that little guy. Beyond all that I'm trying to take some time to myself, just being still for a bit before the craziness of the year starts up in less than a month.

Anyway thats my update for now, I hope it wasn't to mind numbingly boring.

smile often
Beth

Late night regrets

(Originally I posted this on my tumblr but thought this was more the forum for it.)

Today as I walked through the food court in carousel I saw two men, one visibly disabled, sitting at a table counting out coins. Silver coins.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off the table. It broke my heart and at this time I wasn’t even sure why. As I approached I herd the disabled man say “I will go up and see how much it is and then come back and see if we can afford it” in that moment I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed to give them money. I needed to walk over to the ATM, withdraw $50 and hand it to them.

I needed to.

But I didn’t.

“I don’t have any cash, the ATM is like at least 20 steps away, what if I’ve read the situation wrong, my dads waiting for me, I cant make him wait, this is ridiculous, they will probably think I’m a right freak…etc etc”

It is now 3.48am and I can not sleep. I can not sleep because of what I walked past. How can I say that I want to save the world, help the lost, feed the hungry if I cant give $50 to 2 people in carousel.

Those men are probably fine, sleeping right now. They probably brought their meals, whatever they could afford, with their fist fulls of silver coins, while the person behind the register looked at them with judgment and subtly strains of pity. But I mean they are used to it right, everyone looks through them with their out of date clothes and visible differences, I’m sure they wouldn’t have blinked an eye, just another day to them.

But you know what would have made them blink? If a 21 year old uni student gave them some money so even if it was only for a second, just this one time, they would be reminded that someone cares, that they matter, that they are no invisible and God remembered them and nudged the simple heart of a passer by to show kindness. I had and opportunity to be the hands and feet that I so often say I’ll be and I walked past it, I put my awkward embarrassment in front of them.

I will tell you what I know for sure. They will not miss out. God loved them and will see to it that they are shown that love one way or another. It is me who missed out, because I didn’t get to be part of that.